Home of my Dreams.

I'm looking at our possible next level/last home online. (no we're not moving, just seeing what's out there) and I see these amazing places and spaces. I think "Oh, that's so beautiful, I wish I had a place like that." Then I think back to what our house looked like before we moved in and how we felt about it. I remember dreading the whole process because I didn't think I'd ever live in a place that nice.
 
And here I sit 5 years later. This house barely resembles the place we bought. There's dings and dents and scratches and a few signatures. There's spills and stains. There's lots of missing knobs. (seriously, how does that happen?)....I remember breathing in a huge sign of relief when we closed. I remember walking into this mansion of a house. And promising to keep it clean.

See here's the thing. The people who lived here were older, with two late teenage daughters. Of course it was perfect. We come flying in with a 5, 3, and 1 year old. Then we added a dog, a brood of puppies, another dog, a cat, another cat, fish, hamsters, hermit crabs, not to mention the four other babies that have come and gone and come.

Right before we listed the old house, we spent about $3000 fixing it up. New roof, new trim and paint, new bathroom fixtures. All the things I had wanted. Why did we do that? Why did we wait until we were leaving to give the house the things we had wanted all along.

So, this house with all it's dings, stains, and missing knobs is getting a makeover. Slowly, one room, one appliance, on knob at a time. I want to enjoy this home before it's time to move on. I want someone to walk into my home and feel that same magical feeling "this is our house" when it comes time to sell.

Here's to a shiny, ding free, knob filled year!

The Winner Is......

I used Random.org to create a fair drawing. The winner was number 6-----Bri, with the comment of: "Brought my daughter home just before Christmas in 2011, finalized in June 2012. Congratulations on your upcoming finalization."

Congratulations Bri, I will be in contact to get this ornament sent out to you! Also, congratulations on your finalization and your baby girl!

2012 Recap.

Every year is fun and wild and crazy. I have to say that our 2012 took the cake. In one year we gained two children. :) Unless you've had twins, I'm not sure many people can make that claim.

January~Started off on a sad note. M's visitation would start. He would be leaving us from Thursday to Mondays. Sucko matic.

February~Visitation continued. Waiting on news for the final hand off. Time seemed to be moving really slowly. And really quickly. As a family we were making a choice about foster care. I couldn't see having to say goodbye again.

March~Oh March, Jackson turned 8. He got to throw his booster seat away. Oh happy day!!! Early in March we got a call. A 12 month old baby girl. With some delays. We thought about it. We said yes. We went and met her. She's was 20 months old, which was better for us, she was a smily wobbly little girl. We had to wait about a week until she came home with us! We are in contact with her Great Aunt and Aunt and various relatives. Early on we realized there were underlying issues. The calls to specialists started. Then, oh then, on March 22nd, I drove M to his home. I cried as I handed my baby boy over. It was awful. In the words of Forrest Gump, that's all I have to say about that.

April~Shane, my baby, turned 10. That's two hands. We got a call from M's grandpa asking if we wanted a visit. We got baby boy for a few days before Easter. We took him home on Saturday before Easter. There was a hearing for him, I called the social worker to see how it went. She called me back on Wednesday. She wanted to know if M could come back. Of course we yelled YES! And he came home.

May~We learned that M would *probably* be ours. It was a long wait to find out for sure. We started our hiking, by we I mean the boys. Lots of fun Cub Scouts events. A fun spring. We started to see specialist for Carlee. Shane and Jackson got to go to DC and Baltimore with our homeschool group. They had a great time. It was fun to hang out with them. Mom and Breezy went with us too.

June~Summer time! Everything with M's case seemed to be at a stand still. Carlee was getting the care she needed, we were waiting on a few more appointment. 

July~Steph came to visit for my 31st Birthday! Carlee turned two. Fun summer stuff happening. We got some good news on M, but we were still waiting!

August~Women of Faith! Oh, what a great time. My cousin Amanda came to visit. I hadn't seen her in two years. Then at the end of August Johnny and I got to go to Forks. A four day vacation, just the two of us. Oh, it was heaven. Lots of hiking to amazing places and beautiful sights. It was a magical time.

September~School. That was about it.

October~On Halloween we signed our intent to adopt papers. One of the happiest days of my life. In October we also got a crushing blow about Carlee's health. We've regroup and are on a path to do what's best for her and she's improving!

November~Lots of waiting. Waiting for court dates, waiting for specialists, waiting. Thanksgiving was a fun and loud event at my mom's house. The boys went hunting. So our freezer is stocked. Black Friday was it's normal tiring, yet super fun event.

December~Sammy turned 7. I can't believe he's seven. Life is crazy. And so full. M's paperwork is with the lawyers and waiting on the judge to return fro vacation. Christmas was a swirl of paper and bows. M had the best time opening gifts. We're ending the year with joy in our hearts for 2013. Both of our babies will become ours, legally and forever in 2013. So we close out 2012 the way we started, the way it will always be. As a family!

Welcome 2013

I am not making Resolutions, with a capital R, I am making ideals for 2013. These are some things I'd like to ideally happen. I'd like many of them to happen :) So here we go:

2013:

* Do one full load of laundry a day (including folding and putting away)*

*Start and finish all the adoption/foster care papers/copies*

*Find and start a family Bible study*

*Read out loud to the kids frequently*

 *Read something physical each day *

*Journal thanks often*

*Get finances in order and follow through*

*Start a small stockpile for emergencies*

*Follow through on Random Acts of Kindness(2 a month)*

*Family prayer time*

*Couple prayer time*

*Frequent date nights, even stay at home dates*

*Plan and do more family activities including everyone*

*Seriously stop sweating the small stuff, seriously*

*Send more real mail to loved ones and my support groups*

*Get updated on the small house repairs that I can do*

*Research other ways to get involved as a child advocate*

*Keep up to date on research and possible treatments for Carlee*

*Get outdoors more with the kids and just play without worrying about what I could be doing*

*FAMILY VACATION*

*Live, Love, Laugh, Hope, Pray*

Updates

So it's been awhile since I've been on here. Except for my giveaway. So a little bit of an update is in order.

We've been getting ready for Christmas. We've been busy. We started our decorating on November 1. So to be honest, I'm done with this tree :).

The big boys have been busy with school and playing. We're about halfway through the school year. Shane has become and avid Redskins fan, like AVID. My dream would be to get him tickets to a game. Jackson has been coming out of his shell and comes up with the funniest jokes. He loves science. Sam is Sam, wild and crazy and loving. He loves loves loves animals.

We've been to all ends of our area to get Carlee to specialists. We're done. Finally. She's doing really well. Our court was continued until January, so I have little idea of what is going on in her case. Though, we feel certain she's our daughter, it's going to take time to make it official. She's a fighter. She's spunky. She's pretty quiet most of the time, but will let us know when she wants something. We're working on communication. She doesn't speak yet, and we don't know if she ever will, so we're working on non-verbal communication and sign language. She's very tall in the 97th percentile, but tiny, only in the 40th for weight :) She's a sweet little girl who loves to be held and cuddles. We have an open relationship with her aunt and great-aunt and various other relatives. It's very nice to have these people in her life.

M is very nearly ours forever. We were hoping it would be done by Christmas, but our judge is on vacation until mid-January. So while we're a bit bummed, it's nice to have a date(ish) for our finalization!!!! He's a handful, all toddler, with a bit a baby left over. He's on track with all his therapies. And cute as all get out.

So that's the kids update for those (CARY) who have been wondering :)

Random Acts...

We're taking a page out of The Kelly's page and we're doing random acts of kindness. Now, I've thought about sharing this or not sharing this. "But you, whenever you do charity giving, let not your left know what your right is doing"(Matthew 6:3 Aramaic Bible) But without the Kelly's blog, I don't think I would have thought of this on my own and we would have missed out of a chance to give. So I'm sharing, not bragging. Maybe someone else will want to randomly share too. 

So today was our first day. They kids made a list of things they wanted to do and we wrote them on cards. 

Today we took coffee to the people at the poles that were outside with signs. People asked "how much is it?" over and over. The simply could not believe that it was free. The kids were amazed. "It's just cheap coffee" But I explain when we give without expecting anything in return it can really make someone happy. 

Our next stop was another polling place where we gave out cards with giftcards to Starbucks and Chick-fil-A. The parking lot was PACKED, so I dropped the kids out and let them run into the line and hand them out. People's faces ranged from really skeptical to tolerant smiles to outright joy. Two people left the LONG line to run to the van to thank us. It made us all happy to see how happy they were. 

So that was today. I can't wait to do the rest of our random acts!

Why Does Jesus Need A Refrigerator?

Whew, the questions these kids come up with. I had a dream that Sam was crying. He said "Jesus got lost, he's in my brain, but not my heart" So this morning I asked him where he thought Jesus was. He said "all around." And then I asked him if Jesus is in his heart. He looked confused. He knows this, we've just not pushed him into saying it. He said "Well, there's no refrigerator in my heart" To which I had to reply, "Why does Jesus need a refrigerator?" He said "Well, I know Jesus is alive, and you need food to stay alive, and there's no food in my heart." Oh sweet boy.....

We started a new One Year Bible plan with the kids. Right in Genesis the questions started flying. "Then God said, "Let us make man in our image, in our likeness, and let them rule over the fish of the sea and the birds of the air, over the livestock, over all the earth, and over all the creatures that move along the ground." (Gen 1:26)

"Who is the Us and Our, who is God talking to. How can he be talking to Jesus if He hasn't made man yet, there's no Mary...." Yeah, child the Trinity trips me up too.

Into Job "Why is God letting Satan do all that stuff just so Job will say he still loves God, poor Job"

Yikes, I guess we'll all be learning a lot in the coming year.

Halloween After All

 We were not going to go trick or treating. We usually go to the church, but it is on Saturday this year. So I said no. Daddy came home and guilt tripped me into it. He's taking them, so yay. I'm chilling with Extreme Couponing and Pizza Pasta! So here's what happens when you trick or treat last minute.

Two football players and a hunter.

This is hubby's high school jersey and helmet. Complete with icky old mouth guard!

SIGN!

We receive our first set of adoption papers today! They were signed and sent back within hours. She's opening our adoption file tonight! Next step is Adoption Worker is writing her report to send to the lawyer then more signing, then wait on the judge. However, today I signed the first paper, Intent to Adopt!!!!! First papers with adoption on them! So exciting.

Here's hubby signing!

For Today....

*I borrowed this from a blog on my roll and now I don't remember which blog it was, so to whoever, thanks:

Outside my window..it is dark and rainy and windy. And kind of chilly too.

I am thinking...  I need to get school work done, but a nap sounds so good!

I am thankful...  that my power is still on!

In the kitchen... there are three boys who should be cleaning up.

I am wearing... a hippie skirt and a pajama top and hot pink socks. Yeah, I'm a hot mess today.

I am creating... a list to Christmas projects!

I am going... No where today.

I am wondering... if I should crank the heat up in case the power goes out.

I am reading... 1984 and The Fatherless Generation.

I am hoping... that this storm will blow over, but not destroy anything.

I am looking forward to... Christmas decorations coming out in three days!

I am learning... we must do something!

Around the house... Hubby is napping, kids are cleaning, babies are napping.

I am praying... protection from this storm, His will to be done, and a speedy adoption process for M and Carleigh.

A favorite quote for today... "Everybody s a genus, but if you judge a fish on it's ability to climb a tree, it will live the rest of it's life thinking that it is stupid." (Oh, me too)

One of my favorite things... Family movie time.

A few plans for the rest of the week: School work, lots of laundry, I'd like to break out the knitting needles, decorating for Christmas

Sandy Ramblings.

Sandy. You lovely lady. You're fashionably late my dear. The end of October is no time for a storm. You may want to turn away before you embarrass yourself.

All kidding aside. Our hatches are battened and the batteries are charged. The generator is full and I even remembered to buy extra diapers and wipes. Storm wise I'm not overly worried, it's the power outage that is pretty much a guarantee. I am holding great hope in the tree truck people. They are been all around our streets and surrounding neighborhoods the last few weeks, trimming the limbs from the power lines. Fingers crossed.

If all else fails, me and the five kids will head to my mom's house. The house where my mother, father, brother, and two nieces live. It'll be fun, really.

We have a generator. We've failed miserably in the secondary heat source. Our fire place smelled all gassy. We unhooked it two years ago, meaning to call. Opps. Think they'll come out in a hurricane like event? Praying the power stays on, and if it does go out that it doesn't get too cold. This summer when we lost power, it was the worst ever. 6 days in July heat. Horrid. We drove around in the van to cool off. Might have to drive around to warm up this time. Thank goodness we *I* have a hoodie compulsion. We'll be toasty and babies have footie pajamas. Hmm, they have adult ones at Walmart, maybe we should all get a pair.

Okay, enough rambling from me. Oh, and some super good news! We got a call last week saying "You've been officially approved to adopt M" Just waiting on paperwork now!!!!!!

I want to help, but.......

Have you ever wanted to help foster youth? There are A LOT of reasons why taking a child into your home isn't for everyone. However, you still want help, but how. I stumbled upon this site: The Camellia Network. This grassroots site help foster youth aging out of the system.

The statistics of youth that leave foster care without a family are staggering. Twenty-five percent will be in jail within two years. Twenty-five percent will be homeless within two years. Sixty percent will have a child within four years, and those babies are twice as likely to end up in foster care. Only three percent of these children will graduate college.

So, what can you do? It's easy peasy. Sign up to join the Camellia Network. Look through pictures of youth that are aging our or have aged out. They have wish lists of items they need. I remember when I left home. I went to work and when I got home the kitchen table was piled with gifts. Grown up gifts. A microwave, a hair dryer, utensils, and a turkey baster. Image leaving home with nothing more than a paper sack of clothes. You can purchase an item for a youth and it ships to them.

What about work? That's another aspect of The Camellia Network. You can list job openings, internships, etc. They hook them up with opportunities.

You can even send email notes of encouragement. Remember waiting on letters from your parents or phone call or emails. Imagine that they never came. Nothing. No hope, no 'you can do it', not even a "I miss you." A simple email can mean the difference between loneliness and a feeling that someone cares.

We can help these young men and women become productive members of society. They can go to school or work without worrying about household items.

Also, another way to help easily is simple. Contact your local Department of Social Services. Help a youth right in your area.

I urge you all to click the link and peek around. Make a call, send a letter, give a gift. You don't need to adopt to change a life.

The words that stuck.

We go to Women of Faith every year. I've been for three years. The first year my friend Heather, said every year one thing sticks with her. Sometimes she didn't even realize what would stick until later in the year. This year something I didn't think of at the time has really stuck with me.

Brenda Warner told her story. It was pretty powerful. You can read about it in her book One Call Away. The gist of the story was that her son was injured. He was dropped in the tub and sustained massive brain injuries that would effect him his whole life. She then had a baby girl a few years later. She said that they grew up together and her exact words were "He needed her, but she needed him." and that she took care of her big brother and stood up for him and loved him. That he taught her how to be compassionate and loving to those who are different.

That phrase "He needed her, but she needed him." is the phrase that has stuck. My M and Carleigh are 8 months apart, closer than any siblings. Carleigh is older than M. But M will be the big sibling. She'll need him, but he'll need her. They will be there for each other.

Matthew 6:26

"Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?"

After recieving the diagnosis I left home. I went and shopped for a new plant. I just needed to distract myself for a minute. I didn't want to get home until after she was in bed. I just needed some time to myself to gather my thoughts. I also wanted some pizza pasta. Pizza Pasta is my chocolate. I took the long way to Walmart and parked in the back, where I don't normally park. When I got out of the van, I heard this loud noise. I couldn't seem to find it's source. Then I realized it was the birds in the trees.

A few years ago when we first started Sunday School, a friends father passed. He told the story of digging the grave, he and his brothers dig the graves for his family, he said he was sitting on a tomb stone and just wanting some sign that God was still with him. He said "God put the birds in the trees for me." I didn't even really know what that meant. Since then I've read the verse and I really love it.

So when I got out of the van and heard the birds chirping away, I remember his story and the verse.

I know God is in this, He's got this, and there is a reason. I have NO clue what it is or why Carleigh has to live this way, but there's a reason. That I know.

He will care for us and for her, we are more valuable than the birds. 

5 Seconds

There is a scene in the first season of LOST....Jack is telling Kate a story about being scared. In his story he's doing surgery and accidentally slices something and nerve endings came pouring out. He was scared stiff. He told himself that he had five seconds to be terrified. He counted to five, opened his eyes and fixed the problem. This 5 second rule comes into play a few times during LOST when things went all cuckoo on the island.

Well, I'm not running from 'The Others' or a Polar Bear or being swept around in time. However, I'm scared all the same. Terrified. Carleigh doesn't have Autism. She has brain damage cause by an issue with her birth. (for her privacy I cannot disclose the actual facts). Her brain injurt is irreparable. The damage is done. We have to work with what's left. Her new adjusted level in only 6-9 months. In terms of her adoption, we were told that she very well may need life long care. It's too early to tell.

So, I'm giving myself tonight. Tonight to mourn the life she won't have. Tonight to be scared out of my mind. Tonight to be terrified of the future.

Tomorrow. Tomorrow I will wake up and thank God for her. That she was brought into our home. That we're where she's supposed to be. Tomorrow, I start researching. Tomorrow, I make more calls. Tomorrow, for her, I fight!

From Now Until December 31st.

So it's not quite a bucket list, but I've been inspired. So what to do before 2012 falls into the past:

1) Celebrate M's adoption and dedication with all those who love and support us!
2) Attend a festival as a family. All 7 of us.
3) Suck it up and take a hike with my boys. (must find another baby backpack)
4) Knit my sweet baby girl a hat.
5) Try out some awesome Pintrest inspired Christmas photos.
6) Reach 1500 in my 1000 Gifts Journal.
7) Make the last Twilight movie a grand affair with my girls.
8) Prepare a Christmas or Thanksgiving dinner for Community Group.
9) Frame all my West Coast photos.
10) Book 2013's Forks trip.
11) Finish the books on my nightstand and replace them with new ones.
12) Get the boys rooms in order.
13) Donate new toys to Social Services, the visitation room is sad.
14) Complete 5 shoeboxes for Operation Christmas (one from each child)
15) Figure out the perfect birth father gift.
16) Write letters to birth familes.
17) Research West Coast life.
18) Find a class to take, in real life or online.
19) Get Closet Elementary in order and full speed ahead.
20) Make this years Advent really meaningful.
21) Christmas Cards.
22) Visit the Richmond Zoo and feed the giraffes.
23) Let each boy pick on place to visit before it's too cold.
24) Write personal thank you cards.
25) Girls night out.

Right Now....

This Moment:

Watching: Once Upon a Time and Season 3 of Glee

 Preparing: For two doctors appointments today.

Paying attention: Baby M signing more and more :)

Listening: Baby M 'chomp chomping.'

 Cooking: Chicken Parm and Baked Ziti.

Celebrating: Getting into an allergist for Carleigh!!!!

Waiting: Finalization to make M an Anderson

Planning for: Community group starting tonight.

Working: My never ending to-do list.

Loving: that all my pictures are in and hung!

Reading: The Meaning of Marriage

Anticipating: Having adoption papers in my hot little hands.

Good Stuff Going On Here!

My friend sent me this today and asked if this was how I was feeling. Why yes, that just about sums it up. For me, for our family. Things are FINALLY moving forward with sweet Baby M. We're thisclose to adoption. I didn't go to court today. My hubby wanted to go and have a chance to speak to bio dad and show his support to. He said it was a bit emotional. Everyone was commended bio dad on making a good choice for his son. We are over the moon. I want to hug bio dad, I know he loves his son and I know this choice was very hard for him. I'm very hopeful for an ongoing open adoption.

Then to totally change the subject. I just found out that we're going to Forks again next summer/fall. Johnny has to go to Seattle for work and I found that VERY unfair. But we figured out that I can fly out after him, spend three whole days in Forks and it will only cost 2 vacation days. And my mommy already agreed to watch the kiddos. (hopefully all 5 of them will be officially ours by then). I know there's a whole world to see, but ohhhh how I adore Washington!

And this happened:
I said to Carleigh's OT "I know we're not the perfect home for her, but..." and she stopped me dead in my sentence and said "Let me step out of my OT role and into a friend role, God DOES NOT MAKE MISTAKES, it's no coincidence that she's here, God knew she'd be here from the day she was born. It's easy to get caught up in all her diagnoses and what we have to fix. It's no surprise that to God that she's this way. We don't know why, but there's a reason. And I firmly believe God put her in this family to help her and heal her, for a reason, He makes no mistakes." 

So all in all a very lovely day. Soon, oh so soon, I'll be posting pictures of my baby boy for all to see!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Desensitized (SOA SPOILER)

I really like the show Sons of Anarchy. It's violent. I'm not usually a violent show watcher. I prefer the joys and trials of Parenthood or Greys Anatomy. Something about SoA hooked me. Last night I got to catch up on the premiere. Season 5. I almost didn't remember what happened in previous seasons. After I watched in SHOCK, Johnny asked me how it was. I said 4 people, no wait, 5 people were killed and one was beat up. I watched the show, hooked. After it was over, I calmly told my husband that I watched 5 people get killed. The kicker? One of dismembered, one shot in the head, one strangled by handcuffs, one shot while cleaning, and the worst, a girl burned alive while her father watched on in horror handcuffed to a pipe, unable to save her. This was considered payback. Then the dying wayward ex-cop got beat up. How, was I able to watch this as entertainment. Why wasn't I more upset. Yes, I know it wasn't real. Of course not, especially when I just read an interview with Tig on how he prepared for that scene. I've heard my generation was desensitized to violence, allowed to play to many video games and watch too much tv. Me? I didn't play video games and my tv time was monitored and limited. We watched TGIF and not MTV. I thought Dirty Dancing was a porn until I was 15. So why was I able to sit through this show? Thoughts?

Worship Through Her Eyes

It was an ordinary Sunday morning. I was waiting to see Sam graduate to the big kids Sunday School. The red lights over the entrance lit up. 28. That's Ladybug, I thought and took off down the hall. I've been at Newington for three years and have seen the number page go off twice. So I ran. She was overwhelmed. She was refluxing. She was frazzled. We haven't been to church in a few weeks and there were A LOT of people and kids. Some thought she was sick. She wasn't. She was overstimulated. Her solution was to stick her hands in her mouth and gag herself. My poor girl. I decided to take her to worship with me. I had my scarf from Women of Faith and she and I sat bundled in that blue scarf.

One of our worship leaders told a story. She was reading a book and the class was asked "When have you seen God's glory in action?" The answers all were "years ago..." Our beautiful leader said "that's unacceptable, we should see God's glory every day." The worship band started playing The Stand by Hillsong United. It's a longer song, but the chorus ALWAYS gets me. "So I'll stand with arms high and heart abandoned. In awe of the One who gave it all." The whole church singing, many standing with arms waving in the air, others with palms open and eyes closed, and some just singing.

I was sitting with Ladybug (we are a stand and sing church) and that little girl was rocking in beat to the piano and the voices. She leaned back from me and started singing! "babalalababalala" She leaned back in. I broke down in tears. Talk about seeing God's glory in the everyday. My nearly silent baby girl leaned back not one, not twice, but three times during that long song and repeat chorus and sang with us.

There are precious little girls who dance during worship. I have always loved watching them. Sometimes they bring tears to my eyes. "Dear Lord, please let me have a daughter to dance with them one day." For three years that has been my prayer while I watch them. Now I pray "Thank you Lord for my girl, please heal her. Let her dance up there someday." Today was the closest she's gotten. And if rocking in my arms and humming is all we ever see, then I will take it and be thankful. However, when that baby girl looked in my eyes and sung today, I knew deep in my heart, one day she will be dancing by the piano.

Losing.

Don't worry, it's not a sad post. It's the title of a song by Tenth Avenue North.

We are most likely adopting both of our little loves. It is with great joy that I am able to say that with confidence. There is no official date for either baby, but M's is getting close.

In the midst of our happiness, I remember where they came from. There is a reason they are in my home. They were harmed. They were neglected. They were deprived. They were left helpless and lonely. They lived in homes that should be in horror movies. These people gave birth to my children. I hate them for what they did. But, what good does that to me.

Do they spend nights thinking about me? Do they worry themselves sick over what's happened to their children, or do they brag about their new Vera Bradley diaper bags? They probably don't waste a minute thinking about me. So why do I waste any of my energy on them?

So enter this song. I heard it on KLove right in the middle of thinking about M's biological mother. These lyrics went straight into my heart. 

"Oh, Father won't You forgive them
They don't know what they've been doing (oh no)
Oh Father, give me grace to forgive them
Cause I feel like the one losing"

With everything going on in the world, every harm and hurt, what's happened to my babies isn't so big. But in my world, where they are the center, where I want to rip their parents shreds, it's a huge deal. It's a huge deal in my heart. It's a huge deal in my anxiety ridden head. So "Father give me grace to forgive them, cause I feel like the one losing." Forgiving doesn't mean forgetting. I keep forgetting that. It doesn't negate what they've done. It doesn't make it better.

My little loves are going to grow up. They are going to ask questions. They are going to want to know WHY. Why did they walk out? Why did you do that? How could you do that? There will be questions. I want to be able to answer them as carefully and honestly as possible. When they ask if I hate their parents, I want to say no. I want to mean it. I want to say that God gave me grace to forgive them. I want them to be able to forgive them. I don't want them to have anger in their hearts and souls and minds. I want them to recognize what their parents have done, to know it was awful, but to be able to forgive. It will be their choice of course, but won't it be easier if I've lead by example. If I've prayed and forgiven them. Never forgetting, but forgiving. I set myself free. To set their hearts free.

Hey! I like you!

We took our trip! My husband had to work until 1:30am. We left the house at 3:00am. We arrived in Seattle at 2pm Eastern time. We arrived in Forks at 6pm Eastern time. We were painfully tired. We slept. When we woke up, we hit the ground running.

We didn't stop. Makah day, hike to Cape Flattery, hike to Shi Shi beach, hike the Hoh Rainforest, hike to Ruby beach, hike to third beach, hike to Rialto beach, and did I mention we hiked!

Have you met me? I am an indoor girl. When Brandy and I went we hiked a little. We spent time shopping, gazing, geeking out. I knew it would be a different trip with my outdoorsy husband. So we hiked. There are no easy beaches, you must hike to them and from them. The beaches are beyond worth it though.

Somewhere in the midst of our 4 childless days, I discovered something. I really really like my husband. Sure, I knew I loved him beyond words, but I really like him. We had time to talk, really talk. Time to listen. Time to get to know each other again. Who we are outside of work, kids, housekeeping, cooking, etc. We really like each other. He made me laugh until my cheeks and stomach hurt. My made my heart feel swollen with his love for me.

We haven't had major ups and downs in our relationship. We've grown up together. (Getting married at 19 and 20 will make you do that). So after 11 years of marriage, not only would I do it again in a heartbeat, but I'd tell my 20 year old self how much better it was going to get.

To My Mama!

My admirable, amazing, astonishing, astounding, awe-inspiring, awesome, brilliant, cool, divine, dynamite, enjoyable, excellent, fabulous, fantastic, fine, groovy, incredible, magnificent, marvelous, miraculous, outstanding, peachy, phenomenal, pleasant, pleasing,  remarkable, sensational, something else, staggering, startling, strange, stupendous, super, superb, surprising, swell, terrific, tremendous, and wondrous mommy is coming to take care of my kids this week so we can go on vacation!

So just a few notes:

I cleaned the microwave, so no tsking. It's stained orange, I don't know why. I tried everything on pintrest, but I swear it's clean.

The fridge on the other hand, tsk away. If you get bored, go ahead and scrape whatever that is off the shelf. I forget until I open the door and then shut it fast and forget again.

You have to hold the washing machine door shut for about a minute until the water will run, the lock is broken. Talk to Johnny about that. Not that you have to do laundry, but if you get bored.

If the boys start fighting, hide the laptop, it will stop fast.

The garage stinks, I'll leave out incense.

Don't look under the sofa. Unless you're bored.

Use the bottom on the left of the fan to make it slow down.

The boys can watch tv in my room if they are bored, but no toys.

Sam hates underwear, double check before you leave the house.

They can have rootbeer and Sprite only. Don't let them fool you.

Jackson eat soup for lunch, he loves it. They love Ramen noodles.

Yes, Jackson love a large Chili from Wendy's I promise. He'll make a joke about it being hot and being called Chili. Laugh, it's his only true joke.

Blankets are in the cedar chest. They smell like cedar, sorry.

The floor breeds dirt. If you can fix that, it'd be swell.

Please water my plants, I've managed to keep them alive. Except the dead basil near the sink, I need to trash those.

They can stay up late, but they will be a pill if they don't sleep in. Plan accordingly.

THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU. I'll bring you a cool present.  

Info Overload

We're heading in the direction that Ladybug either has Autism or is on the Spectrum. It's taking an unethical amount of time to get her into a Developmental Pediatrician. In the mean time we've had her hearing testing, ear tubes put it, Nuero consults which resulted in an MRI and an EEG, we have a gastro consult which will result in a GI scope, Early Intervention Therapy 8 times a month, and many many check ups. No one can give me an answer until we can put together all the pieces with the Developmental Doctor. The minimum wait I've gotten in 4-5 months with the longest being 9-10 months. Just to get a consult!

I am trying to gather my information. Holy crow, there is a lot of information. I'm leaning towards the Gluten/Casein/Soy free diet. It looks so daunting. Also, I'm looking into DAN! doctors. There's a few in the area, well area(ish).

I don't/can't reveal to much of her past, but she has issues. The least of which is she's been in care since she was born. She was born at only 28 weeks. She didn't have any testing she needed long ago. There's a lot we have to figure out.

Are her issues the result of environment, lack of early intervention, genetic, result of being born so early, or something medical, like Autism.

So I'm filling folders with links and information, immersing myself in the world of Autistic Parents. I may not have to stay here depending on what the doctors finally get around to saying, but I want all the information I can get to help my girl.

Well crud and cookies.

The old owners of our house came by today. They built this house, all their little people lived here. It was her grandfathers land. So every time they are in the area, they stop by. Whatever, it's cool. I allow it, because I know my mom and aunts have done the same thing whenever they went to their own house.

Point? There is a lot in front of the house that was for sale when we bought it. We couldn't afford it at the time. Now they don't want to sell it. They want to put a vacation house there. Basically in my front yard. They stuck no trespassing signs in the lot, even though I told them no one ever goes in there, not even us. They said in 4 or 5 years.

So crud and cookies, we're going to have to move in four or five years. We moved here for the peace. Within a year the lot behind us was developed. Now they are really nice people, but we moved in with trees and woods to explore and now there's a house. Now the trees in the front yard is going to have a house. Crud and cookies.

Hubby has a moving bug, like a not buying a new house here, but let's start over somewhere new bug. My bug comes and goes. I love it here. I love my friends, my church, the people who have become my family. I do not want to move. Anywhere, not even locally. I have a feeling if we HAVE to move, it won't be locally. Like not even the same time zone locally.

We'll see where the next five years takes us.

A year ago.

Very nearly a year ago, I had to sit in that little visitation room with my baby boy. Social Worker knocked on the door and said "they're here, are you ready?" I nodded, not able to talk. I hugged my boy tight and whispered that I was sorry. They walked in, cried, loved on him. I held it together. I answered their questions. I left that room and darted for the bathroom. Into a paper towel, I sobbed and sobbed and sobbed. Then I remembered that I didn't ask whether they were going to drive him home or if I needed to pick him up. I was not going to walk back into that room. So I stood in the hallway with a tear streaked cheeks. Finally Supervisor walked out and asked if I was okay. I sobbed, "NO". Got my question answered. I made it to the car and got the car only to the back of the parking lot and had to stop. Sobbed. My boy was only gone for an hour, but I knew it was the beginning of the end. Over the next few months I got to know his family and we started overnight visits and then we split the weeks. Finally it was time to say goodbye. I held it together and handed my boy over. Sitting here sobbing a year ago, I never thought I could have this joy! I never had a glimmer of how overjoyed we'd be. This is a happy place!

Middle Name Conundrum

Darling Hubby is not a fan of the hyphenated middle name. Here's my theory. I have three sons. NONE of them are named Ryan, no one liked. Later, they said "Oh, it's not bad, you should have fought for it". So three sons, 6 names, none of them Ryan. So I think Baby M should have whatever middle name I choose. None of them are weird or crazy. And I wouldn't yell out all of them, just the first one. This is probably my last chance to name a baby after my dad. My mom has Lee and my brother has Tyler. My dad has Danielle with the granddaughter, but not with any grandson. I love Daniel, God is my judge. I also want to name him after his birth father, which is the middle name we've been using, I want it to stay around, also I love my husband's name, John, which is also M's brother's name. So I'm thinking....

M------John Daniel Lawrence Anderson.  Yeah, I know it's a lot. But how often do you need your middle name. It would be M------John for the most part and if hyphenated his middle initial would just be J.

So am I crazy. I'm thinking the same thing for Ladybug as well. I'm not overly fond of her name, but it's cute and it'll work. I do not like her middle name at all. I asked her aunt and it has no significance. Both of her maternal grandparents are gone, so I wanted to make sure it wasn't for them. It's not. I have some ideas, but they will be a surprise, so I'm not asking if I'm crazy.

4 weeks!

 In 4 weeks I'll be closing my eyes on the West Coast in my favorite place. Forks and The Miller Tree Inn.  4 days of people cooking for us, making our beds. 4 days of the nicest people I've ever met. 4 days of beaches, woods and walks. 4 days alone with my husband. I CANNOT wait.

Wednesday Letters...

Dear Gator Boys,
You're awesome. However, I don't need my kids diving in after gators. Your warnings need to address SAMUEL DO NOT DO THIS AT HOME OR ANYWHERE ELSE.

Dear Forks and The Miller Tree Inn,
4 weeks my dear. We'll be there in 4 weeks and I cannot wait.

Dear Angry Birds,
I have no idea what you are. My kids are currently obsessed with you. They are drawing you and making you out of playdoh and saving money to buy things with your image. It's giving me a lot of quiet time. Thanks.

Dear Women of Faith,
So excited to see you and everyone performing!

Dear Heat,
Leave us alone, Johnny has to work out in you all day and he's hot and tired.

Dear New Therapist,
Please save my sanity tomorrow.

Dear Chick-fil-A,
I'll never give you up.

Dear Cyclone Fan,
You are awesome and totally worth the money! I'm sad I can't pack you in my bag for Women of Faith and Forks. Might cause some havoc at security.

Dear Mom and Dad,
What's happening to you. Chickens, bunnies, goats, grandkids? You're growing younger.

Dear "Temporary" Hair Dye,
You win, please wash out now. I liked the dark hair for a minute. Now I'd like my red hair back.

Dear Hair,
Seriously, you never hold color, now is not the time.

Dear Scale,
You suck. That is all.

Dear Country Music,
I've enjoyed our sing along this summer. You are cranking out some good stuff.

Dear Little Ones,
Please slow down. You're my last babies (I think) Stop getting so big so fast.

Love,
Me

Random Facts....

I am stealing these questions from Steph's page! That and I'm bored and don't want to mop the floor.   1. If you could be prettier, funnier, or smarter, which would you choose?I wouldn't mind being smarter in some aspects of life. I can have a hard time retaining information, I have to go home and look it up again to answer. I'd like the answers to stay in my head.  2. Which fictional character do you most relate to?I really don't know, any ideas???   3. What is your favorite guilty pleasure book of all time?Twilight and Harry Potter. I'm also loving Pretty Little Liars...  4. What is your nerdiest trait?I sing out loud in the store, well not loud, but to myself and sometimes people glance at me. When I have the babies it's okay, when I don't, well there's a reason I'm on pills.   5. If you could spend the rest of your life in one location, where would it be?FORKS! Or somewhere around there. Or Stars Hollow, but that's fictional.
  6. Describe your family in one sentence. Growing!  7. What is one skill you'd like to perfect in the next 10 years?Cooking, I'd love to be able to cook without recipes.    8. If you went to college, what was your major? Are you happy with your choice?Liberal Arts. I wanted to be a teacher. I am doing that without student loans! Awesome  9. What food could you eat every day and never get sick of?Crabs.   10. What is one thing in life you'd really like to be successful at?That I can turn these little people into great members of society. That they love Jesus and help the helpless and are never afraid to do good.   11. How would you describe your interior decorating style?Vintage. I'd love a vintage home. For now, I'll collect small pieces at a time.

Bliss List

Over at Liv Lane we have been encouraged to write a bliss list. Won't you join us.

1. My hubby bought me an awesome new camera for my birthday. I've been dropping hints forever, but never thought he'd do it. We're taking a trip in 5 weeks and I really wanted a new camera before we left. It's beautiful. I'm considering taking a class just to learn how to use it properly!

2. We had court yesterday. Of course I can't say much about it. But my heart is a little lighter and my world is a little more sunshine and lollipops and rainbows.

3. Ladybug is finally getting the help she needs. Hopefully we'll figure out what is going on with her hearing and learn how best to help her!

4. The new painting that The Abstract Bedouin made for me for my birthday. I love love love it. She's also adding Ladybug's name to our family tree painting.

5. You can't mention bliss without this cake! My friend made it for my birthday. Carmel Hershey Kisses Cheesecake.......oh so good.

Liebster Award.

Stephanie over at Halfway to Somewhere  nominated me for the Liebster Award. It's fake and has something to do with having less than 200 followers. You have to answer questions. I like questions. So I'm doing it :) If you have less than 200 followers, consider yourself nominated and play along. 

11 Questions
1. If you could be friends with any celebrity, who would it be and why?

Reese Witherspoon, I've just always liked her and I think she would be fun to hang out with. Or Kellan Lutz, for obvious reasons.
 
2. Why do you blog?
It keeps me sane.

3. If facebook was deleted today, what would you do?

Keep my real life friends and hunt down my facebook friends email addresses.

4. What food can you not stand?
Peas, squashes, "country food" fried chicken/gravy/fried most anything.
 
5. Where is your favorite place in the world?
Forks, 7 weeks!

6. What's the funniest thing that's ever happened to you?
Oh there's so many. I make a fool of myself on a regular basis.

7. What is your favorite season?
Early Summer/Early Fall....I like 75 and low humidity anytime of year.

8. What is your favorite blog to read?
I follow a lot, but I love Backwoods Mom. I want to be friends with her.

9. How often do you exercise?
Next.

10. What day is today?
Monday.

11. What your favorite Justin Beiber song? *Sorry, I was running out of ideas, and he was just on Good Morning America.

I don't know any other than Baby Baby Baby.....

104.4 and Anxiety Attacks.

It's been an emotional week. Waiting for answers on my foster loves, my brother had court for custody, then the power went out for three days during the hottest days in years. I've been edgy, but holding my own. I knew my husband was off on Wednesday. My brain knows he's my hero. A nice three hour anxiety attack was his reward for being able to stay home. Then M woke up from his nap on Wednesday afternoon 104.4, time for the ER. She said he had to ear infections and pneumonia. Ladybug had an ENT appointment today. We've been waiting for months and I didn't want to cancel. So off we went to that appointment. We then headed to M's check up. Turns out the was no pneumonia and his lungs were clear and so were his ears. It's something bacterial. Head to hospital for blood work. Of course working hours are over. So I had to wait and wait and wait in the ER. People were getting sick everywhere, we stood along the wall far away. Then I realized Ladybug was spiking a fever too. So tomorrow we get to start all over. I'm praying the babes sleep through the night and everyone else stays well. 8 hours after I started, I was finally home. My anxiety is teetering. Thankfully someone is watch the older kids tomorrow and then my mom will be here. So that's it. That was my day. It feels better to write about it. Thanks for listening.

Currently.

We are out of power. Nearly 24 hours. It's not the first time. It is the first time that it's been miserable. It's so hot. So so hot. 114 heat index today. "No current restoration time." I'm whining. So here's a fluff piece I borrowed from other page:

I am:
Currently Loving....the new fan Johnny bought for me "The Cyclone"
Currently Reading...nothing. I have a book coming. Of course I have dozens on my shelf....
Currently listening too...the very loud Cyclone fan, and the thunder.
Currently waiting for...the power to come back on, mom and the lady Kosares to visit, finding out if we're heading towards adoption or reunification
Currently dreaming of....my A/C to return.
Currently excited about...seeing My Steph on my birthday!
Currently overwhelmed with...the heat, the unknown, the house that won't stay clean.
Currently praying for...the power to come on, the power people working in this heat, answers to where we are headed, health for a few friends, healing.
Currently missing....quiet time.
Currently trying...stay cool.
Currently working at...catching up on housework and my book list.
Currently hoping for...my power to come on....sensing a theme here.
Currently enjoying...the fan in my face and the fact that my husband rigged the generator so at least we have fans/tv/and the internet.
Currently wearing...my favorite nightshirt.
Currently thankful for...my amazing support group both in real life and online.

THE Question

I was posting about foster care suitcases in a local trash to treasure site on facebook. It's sparked a lot of foster care question. I got an honest "But I'm so afraid I'd be heartbroken if they had to leave." It was an honest question, not the annoying "I couldn't do it, it would break my heart" I despise that one. Anyway, that's another blog. My answer to this women considering foster care was this:

We get asked that A LOT! Here's the thing. You do get attached. If you're doing it right. Loving them like they NEED to be loved. You will get your heart broken. You will cry endless tears. You will have unanswered prayers. You most likely will have to say goodbye. Hopefully the system works right and it truly is in the best interest. Two of my kids have gone home. One to grandparents and one to a Great Aunt and Uncle. They are thriving where they are. We get pictures and get to see them. Our current two are 15 months and 24 months. There is no one left to take the 24 month old, she's special needs and her teenage parents decide they want her back, so it's a whole long process. I don't know how it will end. But I can only pray it's what's best for her. Our 15 month old has been with us since 35 days old. He was placed with grandparents for two weeks and that fell apart and he's back with us. We're meeting with his bio dad and praying he wants and open adoption, but if he doesn't then, I'll have to support him because that's what's best for my boy. Thankfully I've never had to give my kids back to the parents who hurt them, other family members have stepped forward. If Ladybug leaves to her parents it will be a first for us. It's hard work, it's so rewarding. But yes, you will get your heart broke, but I trust God to knit it back together to say yes to the next child that needs us. He hasn't failed yet. :)

Pintrest Stuff.

I admit it. I am addicted to Pintrest. The recipes are amazing. The DIYs are awesome. Here's a few creations.

The apothecary jars with rocks and paint!

Aqua paint!

Penne Pasta

This isn't redone yet, but old fan.

Painted knife block, instead of ugly wood.

Inside out pizzas.

Potato soup.

Chinese Chicken.