For one glorious minute my daughter was 'all there'. I got her up from her nap and her eyes were bright. She was baby babbling. I tickled her under her arms and she smiled, then giggled, then laughed, and then laughed so hard that she snorted. She was looking at me, right in the eyes. For sixty seconds I saw who is hiding behind the diagnoses that have been thrust upon her. Then it was gone. I saw her leave. Her eyes a little darker, not as aware. I changed her and brought her downstairs. She played in her way. Her favorite thing is to look out the glass door. It's a cut glass door and it throws pretty lights and distorts the view outside. She loves to stare out of it. As usual, after about 15 minutes she was getting overwhelmed. I put her back in her high chair where she promptly had a seizure and then fell asleep. The seizure and the play time were just too much.
Carlee is going to be a big sister again. But not by me. Her birth mother, is pregnant again. Her twin brothers will turn a year old this month. They were born with no prenatal care. She went to the doctor for the first time when she was 27 weeks pregnant, found out she was in early labor and that she was having twins. The boys were born at 29 weeks gestation. The grapevine has her at about 25 weeks pregnant, and still no prenatal care. Carlee was born without prenatal care at between 24-27 weeks at home. The illness she contracted from her mother was solely because she didn't receive prenatal care. The illness should have killed her as a preemie and should have killed her when it flared at one year of age. We live with the knowledge that it can flare again at any time and may take her life. We are vigilant about monitoring her for signs. I honestly don't think her birth mother has ever realized what she's done to her children. I don't know if the boys escaped Carlee's fate or if this baby will. I pray they do. Sometimes my anger at her boils over. I have moments where I want to physically hurt her for what's she's done and continues to do. I will never understand why some woman have to work so hard to have a child and she can just keep having them willy nilly.
I can't live with anger. It's doing no one any good. Really, it's only hurting me since she has no idea. Over the past 17 months the anger comes and goes. When she was in the hospital I was boiling. When she wakes having seizures, I fume. When she can't even walk across a flat surface without tripping, I wince. But most days, I'm fine. I get the immense pleasure and honor of raising this beautiful being. She's teaching us what really matter. She's gaining a few pounds. Her hair is growing in, and it's in a cute newborn hair, all spiky. More and more we see who is hiding in her little head. My husband mentioned "We don't know what she sounds like, what does she sound like?" I can't wait to find out.
