In the midst of our happiness, I remember where they came from. There is a reason they are in my home. They were harmed. They were neglected. They were deprived. They were left helpless and lonely. They lived in homes that should be in horror movies. These people gave birth to my children. I hate them for what they did. But, what good does that to me.
Do they spend nights thinking about me? Do they worry themselves sick over what's happened to their children, or do they brag about their new Vera Bradley diaper bags? They probably don't waste a minute thinking about me. So why do I waste any of my energy on them?
So enter this song. I heard it on KLove right in the middle of thinking about M's biological mother. These lyrics went straight into my heart.
"Oh, Father won't You forgive them
They don't know what they've been doing (oh no)
Oh Father, give me grace to forgive them
Cause I feel like the one losing"
With everything going on in the world, every harm and hurt, what's happened to my babies isn't so big. But in my world, where they are the center, where I want to rip their parents shreds, it's a huge deal. It's a huge deal in my heart. It's a huge deal in my anxiety ridden head. So "Father give me grace to forgive them, cause I feel like the one losing." Forgiving doesn't mean forgetting. I keep forgetting that. It doesn't negate what they've done. It doesn't make it better.
My little loves are going to grow up. They are going to ask questions. They are going to want to know WHY. Why did they walk out? Why did you do that? How could you do that? There will be questions. I want to be able to answer them as carefully and honestly as possible. When they ask if I hate their parents, I want to say no. I want to mean it. I want to say that God gave me grace to forgive them. I want them to be able to forgive them. I don't want them to have anger in their hearts and souls and minds. I want them to recognize what their parents have done, to know it was awful, but to be able to forgive. It will be their choice of course, but won't it be easier if I've lead by example. If I've prayed and forgiven them. Never forgetting, but forgiving. I set myself free. To set their hearts free.
2 comments:
There's a quote by Richard Paul Evans in "The Locket" about forgiveness that I love. "Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worth, but because the ship is." I have a hard time with forgiveness and letting go, so I am constantly reminding myself of this.
You know what was done and wasn't done and how it affects little LB and some of which will stay with her forever. M it will affect him later when he learns what was done. Yes, as hard as it is you do have to forgive them. And you will, you have the heart to. I know it must be hard to look at the babies and ask Why and How could the do the things they did and didn't do. But they both were saved from that and because of that both will be able to grow up and have the chance that each child should have. And I love the quote Mimi said.. I have never heard that..
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