Power Outage, come what may.

Our power is out. My husband has fixed our generator so that it runs about half the house. We have fans, a few lights, the freezer and refrigerator. Our cable, internet and t.v. is all run through the cable lines. So with the back up power of the generator, we had all three even with the power outage. Then 9pm rolled around with the winds of Hurricane Irene, and then there was silence. No phone. No t.v. No internet.

People joke with me that I am addicted to face book. Truth be told, yes, a little bit. As a stay at home mother often times it’s my only link with the world outside my home. I have met wonderful women. Christian women, home schooling women, foster care families, and reconnected with old friends. I try hard not to use face book to catch up on rumors or gossip. I genuinely use it to connect with my friends, to learn more about them and their lives, to understand things I didn’t previously understand. I have learned a lot. All that said, it does take up a lot of time. Sometimes, I’ve been convicted, too much time.

For weeks now, I’ve had a plan in my head. A plan yet to be put to paper. So here it goes. I want quiet time. Oh, I’ve written about this before. But these thoughts are persistent. I want to write at least once a day, even if it’s only a page. I’d love to blog more, but that’s not where the thoughts are headed. Personal writing. Thankful journal entries, prayer requests, and random thought in my head. I want to read. I have a love of books. I’ve yet to buy a Kindle or the like. I highlight and copy and fold pages down. My shelves overflow with  my love of the written word. And yet….

I belong to a wonderful Bible Study group. This summer we’ve started a new online study until we meet in person again. I started off full steam. I read my required chapters. I filled journal pages of quotes from the book. I responded to the blog topics with long paragraphs about what I’d gotten from the reading. Then I stopped. Brick wall. I left the book on the shelf. I left the journal empty. I left my Bible in my bag. I have angry with myself. There was no reason why I stopped. No big changes, no timing consuming activities. No excuse at all. And yet there the book sat. The blog topics were posted each Monday. Each Monday I read them, and promised I’d catch up. And then it would be Monday again. I started to not even read the blogs, not wanting to feel guilty. I read a quick paragraph of one, the writer said not to give up and not to leave the study half done. I decided I would not leave the study incomplete. And there the book sat. Until today. When the power went out.

Even as I was becoming stir crazy and the silence was becoming deafening, there the book sat. I found other things to do. I planned for our school week. I cleaned the dishes. I swept the floor. I took a nap. And there the book sat. Then all at once, I picked it up from where I left off. I told myself I didn’t need to copy entire paragraphs into my journal, it wasn’t necessary. What was necessary was to finish. The book now is sitting next to me, completed. Until the power comes back on , I cannot get online and post in the blogs, but I will. I will complete this study. I will complete it, not out of guilt and not out of a need of accomplishment, but because I feel I needed to complete it.

The book that I literally had to wipe dust off of, Discerning the Voice of God. How to Recognize When God Speaks. Am I now a master at hearing His voice? Of course not. Am I still confused? Of course. Do I feel just the slightest bit more calm now that I have read the book? Yes! I feel that I have tools I can use. I have scripture in my back pocket. I have passages highlighted. I am excited to have these things.

Oh, there is much that I could talk about and much I feel as if I have learned. But here is one passage that has really stuck out to me: “I know God is speaking to me when in spite of my initial struggle, there is an undeniable release and peace that follows when I have obeyed His Voice. When I finally do the thing He has been nudging me to do, whether it’s letting something or someone go or taking a step toward the unknown, there is a deep calm in my soul. Where my heart and mind were once filled with terrible angst, I am now filled with a supernatural peace. “Kathy Trocolli

I have mentioned many of times of my baby M. I cannot say much about him or his situation, but from the moment the phone rang with the call of his arrival, I had peace. Oh, the horrors that surround him and his story, I have peace. From the moment that van door slid open at 1:30 am and I heard his whimper. I knew he was my child. There is just a peace, when there shouldn’t be. I should be scared out of my wits to lose him. The thought of it makes my stomach turn. I should be worried that he is a healthy newborn and surely someone would want him. I should be worried about grandparents and relatives. On the surface, I am. I do worry. But when it’s quiet and I’m holding him and he grips my finger. I am not worried. I pray constantly for him to stay. Many times a day. I love that baby boy as much as my own children. There is a feeling of maternal instinct that is different than my other foster loves. He is mine! I don’t know how I know, well I guess I do. God’s peace is all over this. I hope I’m right. I hope the outcome of this story is a new family. Even, as I type the words, there is peace.

So while my power remains off. While I type this blog in word document to be transferred later, there is peace. I also hear my laughter in my own head. A hurricane had to come and mess up my weekend away to land me here. Here in my bed with nothing else to do but finish the book.



*As I post this, I am sitting in the library. Our power is still out. Restoration dates have not been released, they are saying everyone should be on by Saturday. Yeah, it's Monday. Pray for me!

Who needs a pool when you're yard is a swamp.

We made it Women of Faith! For one day anyway. We were able to go early on Friday and have the whole day and a few hours in DC. We got our night in the super comfy hotel beds and headed back early this morning. We probably could have stayed for some of the morning conference and been okay, but no one was comfortable with that as we all had husbands and/or kids at home. Friday was nice! I'm thankful for Friday. I have decided to take the reigns of Women of Faith for 2012! I'm nervous, but really excited. I had just mentioned to Johnny that it would be a fun thing to do if our group leader ever needed to step down. Well it turns out she did need to. So, I'm the official group leader, we've signed up!

It was fairly empty, lots of no shows.

 Now as for Irene, our power has been out since noon! It rarely goes out, so I'm disappointed! Thankfully Johnny has rigged the generator to run half the house, so we have a few fans, tv, and obviously the internet. It's made it bearable. I shouldn't be complaining there's been 5 deaths and the southside of Virginia is practically underwater. As it is, our backyard is a swamp at least 6 inches deep. The boys want to play in it. *sigh* We have about 4 more hours to go before it's on its way up the coast. I emailed Miguel in Queens, since they had been evacuated. He called us back, they are staying, so we'll be praying for them too. I can't imagine having to evacuate people who rely on the subway and buses to get around, they shut the subway down.

This was a few hours ago, it's worse now.

That's the update from here, stay safe east coast blogger buddies!

Shiny Tin

So apparently the tenth anniversary is tin. At least we're shiny! Whatever. Johnny wrote me a wonderful poem which is going to be framed! I gave him the most awesome painting my talented friend made. We then gathered our family and headed to the chapel. What a different trip it was. 4 kids, diaper bag, stroller, threats of "you better behave", no jitters, no new dress, no nauseous feeling (of course that was the baby, not nerves) My oldest son walked into the kitchen with his suit on. For just a moment I caught a glimpse of the man he'll become. I was pleased :)

No heat curls. I as so excited!

A very different path.

 Also, so much the same. I walked into the same arms that I did ten years ago and said "I Do" all over again. We lit the same unity candle and wore the same rings. I looked into the same brown eyes and kissed the same lips. (much to my sons embarrassment)

We had the most beautiful little girls as flower girls. So cute and they seemed so happy to be there! My uber talented friend Heather sang the most beautiful songs! It was a great morning.

After the ceremony we went to lunch. Where else would we go except Salsas.

It was slightly anticlimactic afterwards. I had loads of laundry to do and a house to clean. We have kids coming over tonight. I'm leaving early for Women of Faith. We're preparing for rain from Irene. It was life. The life I love. The life I had waiting for me! :)

Ten Years Ago

Ten years ago I was barely 20. I was 6 weeks pregnant. I was 127 pounds. I was getting married to a man I'd only known for 6 months. Ten years ago, I thought I knew it all. Ten years ago, I took a walk down an aisle. Ten years ago, I didn't realize how slim our chances were. Ten years ago I said "I do."

I still do. I love my amazing husband more than air. We've only grown stronger and closer in the last decade. Ten years later and I'm barely 30 and he just turned 29. Ten years later we have a 9, 7, and 5 year old boys. Ten years later we've had three foster children in our home. Ten years later we've conceded, changed, moved, rearranged, grew, fell, got back up again, and landed a perfect 10. Ten years later, we're a church going, homeschooling, foster care family. Ten years ago, I couldn't have imagined this amazing beautiful life I had waiting for me.

Notice the Pepsi, we weren't old enough to have champagne.

Today, ten years to the day, I will renew my vows with my husband. My 9 year old will walk me down the aisle of a church I never imagined myself in. Ten years later we will light the same unity candle we lit a decade ago. So to my fantastically wonderful husband, thank you for the last ten years. I'd do it all over again! Here's to many more decades of happiness!!!!

Through it all....

I was about to write a post about my ten year anniversary, which is tomorrow. While flipping through albums on facebook to gather photos, her face kept popping up. It turns out she's been there all along. Through all the major changes in my life. My teens, my wedding, my first, second and third child. Coming down the weekend before she started school to meet my first foster baby. Staying with me during the hardest week of my life even though her world was shaking. Traveling across the country with me in a haze of silliness. And even now, as we're thirty and we only lived in the same town as best friends for two years, she's still hanging around. Before email, myspace, facebook, and even before free long distance, somehow we stayed together.  We're oh so different on every major issues, but somehow, some way, through God's amazing sense of humor, she's still here. We're still together. So to my beautiful Brandy, I love you!

17 and loving it!

Graduation!

19, my first apartment. Both of our lives were about to change. 

At my wedding, I apologize for the awkward dance.

2001, 20 and huge!

Visiting my first baby! 2002

Visiting with my 2nd baby.

Her wedding, 2008

2010 on a 4am flight.

Me, her, and the new member of our crew! 2011

Empty

I had one of 'those' Sundays. I got up earlier than the kids bursting with energy. Everyone was out the door on time without a fuss. We even loaded up all the belongings I needed to return to people. As we pulled in and dropped off bassinets, books, and clothes, I finally received my Scentsy products and I was thrilled. Fall scents. We emptied everyone off to class and I headed downstairs. We had our weekly stops as everyone admired my sweet baby M. I sat down in Sunday School. M started chatting. I left to take him up to nursery. My energy bubble burst. By then time I made it back downstairs after some chit chat, our Sunday School lesson was nearly over. For the time being we we learning about different religions. I find it all very fascinating. It's a class at the community college that I've always wanted to take, but this class is free and has a fantastic teacher. Anyway, so class was nearly over. I missed the section I wanted to hear more about.

I had my week in nursery this Sunday. I LOVE nursery. I love holding babies and play ring around the rosy, and seeing little people coming out of their shells and giving me a hug! The nursery is undergoing some changes in how we operate and even our nursery space itself. It's going to be wonderful, however, this week the room had no carpet. It was loud and had a very large echo. I had a headache. My sweet little people didn't notice nor did they care. My high energy of the early morning was gone. Still, sweet hugs goodbye made it worth it. The point of this was that I didn't get to go to "big church" As of now, we do not have a sermon piped in or the music. Oh, how I wish we could have the music in the nursery. After church let out, I remembered there was a business meeting in which I was to be nominated for Sunday School Secretary. By the time I got M ready to go, that was half over. All this to say, I left church feeling empty. The empty has lingered all week. I cherish the singing in church with my children and the quiet adult time listening to the sermon with my husband. (also we were not at church last week) So missing two weeks in a row, I was a bit empty.

Now, this weekend is a great event called Women of Faith. It's held in D.C. It's a two day conference. Our wonderful women's leader put this huge event together for us to go at a great price. She takes care of all the details including a payment schedule, metro cards, hotel stay, conference tickets, and car pool. It's a lot of work, I'm learning. I'm preparing to take the reigns for this event next summer, but that's another story. We leave on Friday morning. We're meeting at the church at 5am. I cannot wait. It's 2 days of laughter, tears, thought provoking stories, dramas, and music. All in a huge venue with 20,000 other women. But this is lurking out in the Atlantic:

This needs to go away. This causes my husband to have to work insane hours keeping ships safe. This is causing my empty bubble to grow. I have a fear that I won't be able to go. So far there is no reason for these thoughts. My husband's boss has even told him not to worry about coming in. This hurricane needs to skirt the coast and not cause anyone any harm. I don't know why I'm so bothered. I think we'll be fine, all plans are a go. It's going to be rainy, but I can handle rain. I just really want to get to D.C and enjoy this:

I need this! This will fill my energy bubble back up. This will put ideas into place. This will fill my journal with delights. This will be a place to make a new friend, learn about an old friend. This will be a place to cry out, to laugh, and to sing. This will be a place where God is present and waiting to talk to me and waiting for me to listen. I want to get to this place!

My Mastermind Children.

So once upon a time my brother had an art project to do. They were to draw a bird. My 8 year old little brother drew a fantastic bird. Big, bright and colorful. Exactly what was asked of him. Well, then my 8 year old little brother put a worm in the birds' beak. The worm had a word bubble "Help Me Help Me." The teachers got mad at him. They made my mother come in for a conference. My brother never cared for school much after that. Today we drew dinosaurs. Jackson's is a very spiky dinosaur standing under a sunny sky with beautiful puffy clouds. In the dinosaurs mouth is a human flailing for it's life. Shane's dinosaur is eating it's own arm. He's so hungry that he's eating his own arm. I wonder what my brother's third grade teacher would have to say about these two drawings. I think she'd have my children in an institution. I love that I can laugh at my boys and know there is nothing wrong with them other than they have fun imaginations!

Crafty or Mess Maker?

I came across this great idea at Craft Berry Bush. I've been collecting Mason jars for a variety of reason and I thought I would try this. I started with a large Mason jar and a small glass jar from a yard sale.

I then followed the instructions in the blog. I mixed 1T of glue, 1.5T of water and a few drops of food coloring.

I attempting to do as she said. I painted the jar in quick even strokes. Hmmm.

I like hers a lot more. It was worth a shot. I might try again with a different color.

Those are buttons in the bottom, they don't look right in that jar.

Out of the mouth...

So my super picky Jackson wanted chili for lunch from Wendy's. We get home and get him served and he says, very seriously, "Why do they say it's hot and then call it chili?" I love that kid! This is the child that would eat anything and everything. We have a coaster he took a bite out of because cheese dip fell on it. Now he won't anything. However, he dips his waffles in syrup and picante sauce. And pours salsa on his cereal.

That Offends Me

She offended me. That offends me. They offended me. You can't say that, it might offend someone. That's too offensive. Don't do that, it would offend them.

Yes, I'm guilty of it too. We all are (mostly). Certain situations call for certain behavior and actions. However, the sensitivity of our world is getting too much for me. You can't say or do or read or watch anything, it might offend someone. It's all so petty. The apologies made for these offensives are false, lies if you will.

So what's my point. If you're going to be offended, let's be offended by something real. Let's do something about it. Let's be offended by the fact that there are 500,000 children in foster care because parents are doing horrid things to their children. Let's be offended by the 143,000 waiting child in the UNITED STATES. Children that could be in someones home this afternoon. Let's be offended by the 143,000,000 orphans in the world. Waiting for a home. Let's be offended that in Eastern Europe if a child with Down Syndrome isn't adopted by age 4-5, they are sent to institution that rival the death camps of the Holocaust, most don't survive a year! Let's be offended that women in the UNITED STATES can't choice their own method of birth because home birth midwives are breaking the law. Let's be offended that women are being screamed at for nursing their babies on an airplane. Let's be offended that drugs have invaded every corner of our country. Let's be offended the young girls and women are being trafficked into the USA and being sold as slaves. Let's be offended that a mother can be yelled at by a doctor for choosing not to vaccinate. Let's be offended that saying God might get you in trouble. Let's be offended that drunk drivers get second chances after killing someone. Let's be offended that rapists and child abusers get less time in jail than someone who wrote bad checks. Let's be offended that the government is trying to take away the rights of parents everywhere.

Oh, there's lots to be offended by. If you're going to waste your energy on what someone said or did that offended you, turn it around. Let's get offended, offended at what matters! Find something real, that offends you. Let's do something. Write someone. Call someone. DO SOMETHING!

Closet Elementary Remake

As I posted in my last blog, I bought a new table. I had no need for this table. But it was a solid table and 4 chairs for $30.00. I figured I could find a use. The chairs very nearly matched the ones we already had. Two of our dining room chairs were being used in the school room. So now we have enough chairs for everyone at the table. I put the other two chairs and the table in the school room. The table will be used for larger projects that usually have us on the floor. The school room has a new look. I like it!