Suitcase of Love Launch

Holy Moly! God is good. People are amazing! So on Sunday we had a short testimony time. I wasn't going to say anything. Standing in front of the church is not my favorite place to be. I felt the heat prickle on the back of neck. It's the same feeling I get each time I feel I have to go to the front to say something. So I did. I talked about Suitcase of Love. I didn't name it. I did say that I wasn't plugging it yet. I didn't have all the details. I just talked about what I wanted to do for the kids in our local foster care systems. I gave the simple facts that I've already told you. Kids leave the system without luggage. They leave with their belongings in trash bags. I want to change that.

Fast forward to tonight at Bible Study. There was a new lady in there. I've never met her, she's never been to study (that I know of). She asked "are you the young lady that talked about the suitcases?" I said I was, but it wasn't launched yet. She said "well I have three brand new large suitcases in my trunk." !!!!!! Then two other ladies started talking. Then a few more. It's pretty amazing. I think this is really going to take off. I'm so amazed. I shouldn't be, our church is great! But wow!

And then there was one.

This is Artie

 Artie the Aquasaurs is still with us. He's the lone survivor of about 100 eggs. I finally caved and cleaned his little pod of water. I was afraid he would die with new clean water, but he's held on with all the stamina of a freeze dried egg on the Toys R Us shelf. He's huge, nearly two inches and he sheds his skin, uh exoskeleton, uh shell.  It's the cross of a horseshoe crab and a lobster with 140 legs and three eyes. The boys this he's awesome. I'm still afraid of his escape.

This is his molted skin. Ewwwww

????

I can't see doing this again. I can't see going through this heartache again. I can't see saying goodbye again. I can't imagine not doing this again. Praying for clarity and a clear path.

What happens when you clean the kitchen.

I have a plan to attack my home. I clean, all the time. But here's where I go wrong. Say I'm scrubbing the kitchen and I see a book that needs to be put away. Well I'll go upstairs to put the book away and then I'll see that the shelves are dusty, so I'll go to the bathroom to get the cleaning supplies, while under the cabinet I'll notice the cabinet needs cleaned out and so and and so on. It's like a bad episode of "If You Give A Mouse A Cookie" I end up with half cleaned rooms and half organized shelves. It's a vicious cycle that must be broken. Help!

The Drawer.

 This drawer. Oh this drawer. Once upon a time we had a small empty room. I was going to turn it into a prayer room, quiet room, no kids allowed room. Somehow it got turned into my husband's office. Hmph. He needed it. That is why this drawer drives me crazy. See he got my room. He filled it with file cabinets and shelves and drawers. And yet, this drawer remains. In my kitchen. Overflowing with all things office related. I had to search for a number. In the drawer. I couldn't find it. I was a nice sweet wife and separated the junk into manageable piles so he could file them in his office. And I could get my drawer back. Hmph. 'Twas not to happen. At least I can open and close the drawer again.

After.

I Should Be....

I should be offended. I went to pick M up. He didn't come to me. Not only did he not come to me, he cuddled into Ms. M. I should be hurt. I couldn't. Her smile was so proud. My heart was so full. His family loves him. His family wants him. He loves his family. How can I be hurt by that. Do I want him to leave? No, of course not. But his staying is just not the case. It makes it finitely easier to say goodbye when he leaps from my arms to theirs. Knowing he'll be loved and kept safe as if their lives depended on it, that makes it easier. So I'm not offended. I couldn't be happier about the outcome of this case. It could have been so bad. So if he has to leave, I'm thankful he's leaving to a house of love. 

Wormy's Return

We lost Wormy. Have you ever lost your child's item? I felt horrible. I've watched too much Toy Story. I felt badly for the worm. I felt badly for the baby I had to send away with a poor substitution. I retraced our steps and begged customer service. We even searched the parking lot. Thankfully today, he was in the lost and found bin. I am so thankful to the person who saw him and turned him in. He's just a tattered worm bought from a yard sale (by Shane). M has way cuter stuffed animals, but this silly worm is what he loves. He holds it so tightly that it has a permanent dent around its middle. So to the kind soul who turned him in, thank you for the bottom of my heart!

Faith, plain and simple.

I have been looking and looking and looking for the perfect cross necklace. I wanted something very simple. Nothing with diamonds or other twinkle effects. I have looked at expensive jewelry, handmade jewelry, antique jewelry. I've looked in high end stores, thrift stores, and craft shows. I finally found it. At Walmart of all places. It was in a display for Hallmark jewelry. It's very plain and simple, but on the side of it in small script it says "faith" and how I need that daily reminder over my heart every day. And of $13.00 it made it a great deal as well.!

2012 Word of the Year

So Klove is doing a word of the year challenge and I've been meaning to write a blog on my word for well 20 days. Then my friend Brandy wrote a great blog about her word, imagination. So I was challenged again to write this blog. This. is. hard.

During the first week of the year my word was the same as last year, adoption. Then the bottom fell out. Anxiety made it's reappearance. Baby M started visitations. Anxiety attacked. Worry started. Thinking started. Over-thinking started. Only when I realized I couldn't handle it, then I turned to prayer. Should have turned there first. When will I learn?

So my word is no longer adoption. So what is my word? I thought about 'timing' 'helping' 'charity' and 'family'. I have settled on "FOCUS". I want to focus my energy. I want to get Suitcase of Love off the ground. I want to focus on homeschooling. I want to focus on my husband. I want to focus on my friends. I want to focus on my family. I want to focus on what is right in front of me. I want to stop the worrying, the over-thinking. I want to focus on what God has placed in my site.

We're in the process of deciding whether to continue with foster care. It's a heartbreaking choice. How can I go through this again? How can I not? We are definitely taking a hiatus before making a final decision. During that time I chose to FOCUS. Maybe if I focus directly on what I am doing in the moment everything will come into 'focus'. 

Tonight's Devotion

Tonight's devotion from Jesus Calling for Kids hit me right in my own heart and mind.

"Some days are just hard--a tough test, a fight with a friend, trouble at home. You rehearse it over and over in your mind like the words to a song. Bu when you rehearse your problems that way, you live them over and over again. You were meant to live through them only once--when they actually happen!

Don't try to figure out how you'll get through this situation on your won. Come to Me, and let Me guide you and give you My Peace. Don't forget that I am always with you. I will give you all the strength and courage you need to face whatever challenges come your way. I will turn your worries and your fears into confidence and trust."

Talk about a smack in the back of the head. It makes me thankful to know I'm never alone! I highly recommend this book for a short but fulfilling young family devotion.

Overwhelmed

I am overwhelmed by the amount of love in my life. I am overwhelmed that we are at a church where I'm pulled lovingly into a room for a one on one prayer. A church where I'm handed a handwritten note of encouragement. A church where people I only know by face ask me how I'm feeling (I've missed a few weeks) I'm overwhelmed at the emails and facebook messages sent to me. I'm overwhelmed at how much my heart swells with each encouragement, each I've been there, each "you're not crazy". I'm overwhelmed at the love of my husband who not only 'deals' with me, but does everything in his non-medicated power to get me to smile or laugh (and nearly always succeeds) I'm overwhelm with the prayers from my boys, who realizes mommy isn't quite right and prays for a restful night. I'm overwhelmed with the love that surrounds us. I'm so thankful for the amazing people in my life.

Stigma?

Ever since I began to experience anxiety symptoms, women of been coming out of the woodwork to encourage me. It's mind boggling really. I've heard so much of "oh, I had that really bad." "oh that happens to me all the time" "I've dealt with it for years." With all of this, I can't help wonder why there is still such a stigma on anxiety and depression. I guess because from the outside so many people look 'normal' and maybe they want to keep up that facade. I know I do. I don't want to be sobbing to my doctor at 8pm. I don't want to have teary eyes when I'm in public. I don't want to turn bright red and hands tingling at the oncoming effects. Yet, it's still kept so quiet. I'd love a close group that could discuss symptoms, what works for you, what meds you're on, what natural stuff, therapists, phrases. What works for you? How do you feel? Let's get talking. Let's not keep it in the dark, let's not feel alone anymore.

Normal, never again.

I've been in a pretty bad fog the last week. Nearly forcing myself to feel and act normal. I've been sick. I had a pretty bad anxiety attack, effects lasting for two days. I had a stomach bug.

In my head I know M leaving is the right thing. They want him, they love him, he's theirs. I going to miss my bug so much. Then a tiny part of my brain is relived to not have a baby for awhile. Time to focus on my growing boys. Then I feel guilty for having the tiniest bit of relief. This timing is always the hardest. When it's time for them to leave, we're ready, the family is ready, social services is ready. We're just waiting on legal mumbo jumbo. It's hard. I hate the long goodbyes. I hate no knowing when he'll leave. Will I get a call on Friday saying he's leaving on Saturday. I have to have time prepare the boys and myself. My head is a loopy world. Thankfully we work really well with his bio family and we're able to make our own visitations instead of depending on the system. So they get him more this way and we have him less, which is good for us and them. It's hard to let him go though. It's still hard.

If you've stuck around this long thanks for listening to my rambling. It's hard to put into words. The relief of being baby-free, the heart shattering thought of being baby-free, wondering whether to continue foster care, wondering if we should put the house on hold, excitement for the next child, and any of thing my brain decides to make me think about.

I just think after all this time and homeschool and foster care, I just don't think we'll ever be normal again. We have a new normal, and geez louise it changes every day. 

Branches of Government and Curses Cursive

I swear I don't remember learning this until Civics class in the 8th grade, but there is was in the History book. I know my mom will like this because she's intent that my kids learn the Constitution word for word. There was history as to WHY there are three parts of government and WHY there are two parts to Congress. It was useful. To be honest, I'm not sure I was sure as to the 'why' of the Senate and House. I am now. :) (My Tea-Party mama will be happy) All this to say, they weren't getting it. It was confusing with lots of big words. We just got over 'epithelial' and now we're on judicial and legislative. We made a tree. For the love of all that's artistic forgive my tree, it's supposed to be a tree.

Filling in the blanks

Our *ahem* tree

Shane tried cursive last year. It was a major fail. We are trying again. Amidst schools saying that they're aren't teaching anymore, I felt he should at least learn a bit, especially since I already bought the books. So he's suffering through it. I don't remember having this much trouble, but then I always got a 'C' in handwriting. Drove my mom nuts. I'd get all A's and then a C in handwriting. I still don't agree with judging handwriting, do they still judge handwriting? Anyway, I still have a 'C' in cursive but I no longer care :) So I don't push it too much with him. Today I glanced at his paper and my heart soared. There was perfect cursive words. Then I looked closer and saw that they were the traced words. Boo. At least he's trying. Dumb cursive.

He's better at it than me.

Jackson works on printing. 

Also my mom bought this shelf thingy and my dad stained it. I wasn't sure what to do with it. Then I thought of my school room and the books I use every day. I came up with this:

One Dinner, Three Ways. Super Simple Supper.

The blog I follow over at Pitter Patter Art posted a yummy looking recipe. It was SO SIMPLE. I haven't had the best of luck with new recipes lately. This was a winner. I got 5 thumbs up and a few toes too. Even the baby loved the pieces of it. So here's the recipe for you to try. Get ready. 2 frozen chicken breast (this fed my family of 6 with leftovers) 1 can black beans, 1 can fiesta (or Mexicorn), a packet of taco seasoning, and salsa to taste. That's it. Drain the corn only, add everything to crock pot. 8 hours on low or 4 on high.

Then comes the fun part. You can serve this all different ways. You can shred the chicken and add it back to the pot and serve as a soup. You can shred the chicken and separate it from the beans and corn. Serve as a taco meat and toppings. You can make a salad and eat with tortilla chips. We had a great time with it. We used tortilla chips and soft taco shells. I also made rice. I just used 1 cup water and 1/2 salsa brought to a boil and added 1.5 cups of instant rice. We added tomatoes and lettuce. Cheddar and sour cream, but that's all up to you. It would be good out of the pot with a fork.

Our New Devotion

We've been doing a new family devotion called Jesus Calling For Kids. I've seen the book around. I've heard good and bad things about it. However, I found it at Ollie's for $2.99 so I bought it for a family Christmas gift. We had such a joyful time doing our Advent devotion, I wanted to be sure to keep it up once the new year started. Since everyone has taken turns being sick since Christmas, we start by praying for another family member. Whoever closes the prayer, prays for everyone. I really love this. Everyone picks a different person to pray for every night. It's definitely a bonding time. The boys really enjoyed lighting the Advent candles each night, so we are keeping a similar path. In Jackson's Sunday School, they made these really pretty candles. We put the biggest one into the Forks rocks container.

We turn off all the lights and read and pray by candle light. It makes distractions less distracting. The book is basically written as if Jesus is writing the words. There is a verse, the devotion, and then Bible verses. The two readers take turn reading the verses and then we discuss. It only takes about 10 minutes start to finish, but it's been a wonderful ten minutes every night! And if we miss a night, it's easy to catch up since they are so short.

Warm Winter Day (aka child spam)

What a beautiful day. It was nearly 70 degrees today. In January. Johnny was out this morning doing a service project. When he got home we decided to spend the day out, together. We started at CiCi's pizza. It's an all you can eat pizza buffet. They were in food heaven.

We then moved on to Bass Pro Shops. They love this place. We're pretty lucky to have one near us. People travel for hours to come. There are normally buses parked out front. Today wasn't so crowded.

Fun arcade game, in the store.

I missed.

M was enjoying the fish!

For only $500 you can own this piece of tackiness.

The first time Shane saw this he screamed so loud. Of course he was only 20 months old.

Kind enough to amuse their mother.

Not to happy with me.

Oh geez!

We then moved across the street to Blue Bird Gap Farm. It's a cute little petting zoo that's free. It was pretty crowded since it was such a nice day, but we had fun. Their favorite part? Seeing the cow poop, a lot.

LOL!

M loved the birds.

Very friendly goats.

They seemed to like M.

They look loving, but they were heading banging each other.

Large cow, he was this close when he pooed. They thought it was great .

Wishing Well.