Normal, never again.

I've been in a pretty bad fog the last week. Nearly forcing myself to feel and act normal. I've been sick. I had a pretty bad anxiety attack, effects lasting for two days. I had a stomach bug.

In my head I know M leaving is the right thing. They want him, they love him, he's theirs. I going to miss my bug so much. Then a tiny part of my brain is relived to not have a baby for awhile. Time to focus on my growing boys. Then I feel guilty for having the tiniest bit of relief. This timing is always the hardest. When it's time for them to leave, we're ready, the family is ready, social services is ready. We're just waiting on legal mumbo jumbo. It's hard. I hate the long goodbyes. I hate no knowing when he'll leave. Will I get a call on Friday saying he's leaving on Saturday. I have to have time prepare the boys and myself. My head is a loopy world. Thankfully we work really well with his bio family and we're able to make our own visitations instead of depending on the system. So they get him more this way and we have him less, which is good for us and them. It's hard to let him go though. It's still hard.

If you've stuck around this long thanks for listening to my rambling. It's hard to put into words. The relief of being baby-free, the heart shattering thought of being baby-free, wondering whether to continue foster care, wondering if we should put the house on hold, excitement for the next child, and any of thing my brain decides to make me think about.

I just think after all this time and homeschool and foster care, I just don't think we'll ever be normal again. We have a new normal, and geez louise it changes every day.