Times, they are a'changing.

Well this is the last two weeks of M being solely my son. Visitations start in November and it's the beginning of the goodbyes, one at a time. I'm not sure how I'm supposed to drop him into the arms of someone else and just walk away. Sure, I've done it two times before, but this is so very different. For 5 months we were sure we were adopting him and the clear out of left field, we're not.

Awhile ago someone beautiful gave me a wonderful compliment. She said that I foster care unselfishly. I truly want what's best for my babies. I knew without a doubt Little Miss would thrive in a home as a single child. And boy is she! Baby J is doing wonderfully. He honestly should have never been in our home. His grandparents called a mere two hours after he was placed in care and then had to wait 8 months to get their grandchild back. I love my babies! I miss my babies, but they are where they are supposed to be. All that to say: I want to be selfish. I want to hide him in my arms. I want him to stay with us. That was MY plan and I want to stamp my foot and whine until I get my way. I know there is a plan here. I cannot see it yet. I read a great book that was talking about Bible "characters" and how we as readers know the end of their story. But they weren't just characters. They were real people living real lives. They were in the midst of messes like none I've ever seen. They didn't know that their trials would be read and understood and be an encouragement to millions over two thousand years later. They didn't know how their story would end. They just trusted. I have to trust.

I have to trust that there is a greater plan here. I have to have faith that in the midst of my heart breaking there will be peace. I have to believe that there is a reason for all of this, goodbye. So in the middle of this mess, I will trust!