Dear Daughter in Laws.

I have four boys (at the moment) that means four daughter in laws. I read somewhere, she called them her daughter in loves....I pray I get to do the same. I've made some mistakes as a daughter in law, but I also have been on the receiving end of the mother-in-law stereotype. I love my mom, however, she and her daughter in law, well that's a whole other story. So I'm praying for my sons future wives. That they are a perfect match. That they love God. And that they'll love me. So:

Dear Daughter in Laws,

Dear Shane's wife,

Since he's the oldest, I'm just going to assume he'll be married first. If that's a fact, then you'll be my first daughter in law. Oh, how I've prayed for you. For someone to love my son. I picture you, like Shane, a first born, mature, full of love for God. He's my first born. He's amazing, as I'm sure you know since you're married to him. I am under no delusion that he's perfect. You can come to me. Always. If you have a mom, I hope you have a good relationship. I hope you've been prepared for a loving marriage. I don't ever want to come between you and your mother. I would like to be a mother figure to you, and a friend. I'd love for you to learn from me and me from you. We'll be on this new road together. I pray we have grace and mercy for one another. I pray you'll call me, often. When you have children, our relationship will change again. You've met me, I love children. I pray for you during pregnancy and motherhood. Obviously, you know we'll love any child you have, whether biological, foster, or adopted. If you come to my son with a child already, have no fear, we'll claim him or her as our own. I remember being a new mom and having strict rules. I remember relaxing more and more with each child. However, I remember the anger when my rules were ignored or laughed at. I promise never to do that to you. I will respect how you choose to raise your child. Though, I'll offer my suggestions and input, I'll try not to unless you asked. You've met me, if I offer something, it's out of love, not because I think you're doing it wrong. You are who my son has chosen to spend his life with. I love you. I will stand with the two of you with love, support, and encouragement. I hope I have the honor of calling you my daughter in love.

Dear Jackson's Wife,

Oh how special you must be. I picture you artsy and unique. Our Jackson is such an amazing soul, so open and understanding. You must know as you're his wife. I want you to know, that as with Shane's wife, I wish the same thing for you and make you the same promises. I picture a very whimsical life for the two of you. Maybe not as conventional as mine, but I promise not to judge. I pray he has stayed close to God all his life and that you are as well. I picture you two traveling the world and having a home filled with art and treasures. It's going to take a very special girl to win Jackson's heart. I pray for you, that you have the same outlook on life as he does. That you won't try to change him. That you'll love him for who he is. I promise to love you for who you are. I cannot wait to meet you and see how your lives move and grow.

Dear Sam's Wife,

I imagine you as a firecracker. Smart and wise and a whole lot of fun. I pray that for my wild son. Someone who will run free with him, yet know when he needs to be tamed. He's full of ideas and inventions and art. He likes to do things his way. I pray you'll know just how to handle that. I cannot yet picture Sam as a father, but I imagine he'll be like his dad, fun and hardworking. I pray you'll just be his perfect match. I see you two on great adventures, and I'll be there to cheer you on. Just don't forget to call and let me know you're okay. Whether you mountain climbing or cave diving. I can't wait to see the pictures.

Dear Matthew's Wife,

Matthew is my baby, the boy I fought like hell to have. You know his story. You know what a miracle his life is. I promise not to be overbearing or a protective mama bear. I will hand him lovingly into your arms. He's so young, I can't yet picture you. Whoever you are, I pray you'll love him through any trials he has as he matures and becomes a man, there will be questions about his past. I pray we've answered all we can, and that you'll have grace with him. I know you'll be special. His life was spared for an important reason and you're a part of that reason. Stay close to each other. And us.

Dear Daughter in Loves,
I pray you all love each other, that you find sisters and friends with each other. I pray for large family gatherings and dinners with love and laughter. I pray you know the bond these brothers have and that you encourage that bond. I pray you know the love they have for their sister, and their desire to protect her. I pray you'll love her for who she is and include her in your lives. I pray you all find your way to Jesus and the peace and hope that that will bring into your lives. I pray for your babies, whether however they may come to you. I pray you love me, as I so desperately want to love you. We'll learn and grow together. I cannot wait to see how my family grows and multiplies. I cannot wait to meet all of you.

One Year Ago

One year ago today, I packed up my beloved son and drove him to him his home. I tried to be okay with it, I really thought I was. I hated it of course, but this was the way it had worked out. I wanted him in his new home by his first birthday, it seemed symbolic. It's not goodbye, it's see you later. That's what I told myself as my heart shattered. A mere two weeks later he was back in my home. And a very LONG 11 months later he became my forever son. My Matthew. I can't believe how much has happened in this year. Tomorrow is his second birthday and he will be with us and for every birthday after. I can look back and see the puzzle pieces all fitting together. I still wish I hadn't had to say goodbye in the first place, but I would have done it a dozen more time if that meant he would become mine. His name means God is Good, God is Gracious, God is my Judge. How fitting. My amazing little boy. Last year I thought my heart was breaking. One year later, I burst with joy at my newest son and the knowledge he's legally and forever ours!

Time Change, Matthew, Shane

It's 6:44 and the sun is still shining. I swear I hear angels singing. I despise standard time. It's so depressing when it's pitch black by 5pm. I get all anxious thinking the day is over and nothing is done. I like it until Christmas, after that I want spring.

Matthew has been fighting a bug. He's seen the doctor twice, been in the ER, and Urgent Care, everyone says it's just a virus, but my bug is waking up at night or early in the morning with a 104 fever. Medicine is given and the fever goes down and he's running around again. Then it goes away for a day or two and then comes back with force. He's feeling better at the moment.

Shane bridged over to Boy Scouts this weekend. Without being in school, time passing seems slower, there's no grade levels or graduations, and now all of a sudden he's in Boy Scouts. They have a beautiful ceremony where they cross an actual bridge and join their new troop. They give the new scout their new neckerchief, book, and epaulets. They then say the oath and the law of Boy Scouts. Then they canoed out to Scout Island and camped. I watched my little boy cross into young manhood. He looked so grown up and so little at the same time. The boys in his troop towered over him and had facial hair! 11-18 years old. I'm so nervous about him hanging out with boys older than him, he's always been the oldest. I know it'll be good, put him in his place a little bit :) But to see these boys and know in the blink of an eye Shane will be welcoming new scouts with them, whew. Time seems to be flying all of a sudden.

Last Gathering as Cub Scouts.

Crossing Over!

Seems like days ago he was a wee Tiger.

Saying the Oath.

Seriously, look how grown and little he looks.

Sailing away.

50....while I wait.

Here's a silly questionnaire while I wait and see if Matthew will get sick or fall back to sleep.


50 Questions About ME!
I stole this from a friend’s Facebook page.  Questions like this can give a lot of insight into a person!  I thought I’d go ahead and answer these myself and share with the world.  It might be a little more than you want to know about me, but oh well!!!

1. What time did you get up this morning? 10:00am ish, yay hubby for getting the kids!
2. How do you like your steak? well done
3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema?  Breaking Dawn 2 and who says 'cinema'
4. What is your favorite TV show? Right now Once Upon a Time and The Following
5. If you could live anywhere in the world where would it be? Forks, WA
6. What did you have for breakfast? Nothing.
7. What is your favorite cuisine? Italian. 
8. What foods do you dislike? Most Southern Food, peas and mushrooms.
9. Favorite Place to Eat? The place that cooks and cleans up for me!
10. Favorite dressing? house or ranch.
11.What kind of vehicle do you drive? 2003 Dodge Caravan
12. What are your favorite clothes? comfy jeans and shirt
13. Where would you visit if you had the chance? Forks, WA or Italy
14. Cup 1/2 empty or 1/2 full? Hmm, both depending on what my anxiety is doing.
15. Where would you want to retire? Somewhere close to my family.
16. Favorite time of day? 10am ish when the babies are playing and happy
17. Where were you born? San Diego, CA
18. What is your favorite sport to watch? Blech
19. Who do you think will not tag you back? No one is going to tag me back as I am not going to tag anyone else.
20. What book are you reading right now? I have a huge stack of books I just bought that I want to read, but somehow HP4 is being read.
21. If you could learn to play an instrument you’ve never played before, what would it be?piano
22. Bird watcher? Yes, I love my birds.
23. Are you a morning person or a night person? Night, but little people cause me to be a morning person. 
24. Do you have any pets? Dog, Cat, hermit crabs
25. Any new and exciting news you’d like to share? We should be on our way to another adoption soon! 
26. What did you want to be when you were little? A mommy and a teacher.
27. What is your best childhood memory?  Going to work with mom on teacher workdays, the boss always ordered pizza for all the kids, parties in Broadview, Christmases
28. Are you a cat or dog person? Whichever uses the bathroom where they should.
29. Are you married? 11 years and running. :)
30. Always wear your seat belt? ALWAYS
31. Been in a car accident? two minor fender taps.
32. Any pet peeves? someone putting dishes in the sink when I'm washing, a full trash can, waiting until I sit down to ask for something, lateness
33. Favorite Pizza Toppings? Cheese and pepperoni, and maybe feta if I'm not sharing
34. Favorite Flower? Wild flowers, daffodils.
35. Favorite ice cream? ehhh...
36. Favorite fast food restaurant? Chick-fil-A
37. How many times did you fail your driver’s test?  passed the first time
38. From whom did you get your last email? a prayer request
39. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card?No more CCs, but if I didn't have to pay it back, either a book store or Kirklands or Target. 
40. Do anything spontaneous lately? HA....no not really unless you count buying Breaking Dawn and watching it the same night....
41. Like your job? Most days. :)
43. What was your favorite vacation? FORKS, WA both times. 
44. Last person you went out to dinner with? The girls from Ladies Bible Study
45. What are you listening to right now? The baby monitor and Johnny's snoring.....
46. What is your favorite color?purple
47. How many tattoos do you have? 2
48. Favorite smells. Clean laundry scents, lilac, fresh mowed grass, Christmas trees, clean baby
49. Favorite kind of puzzles. real ones, I miss puzzles.
50. Coffee Drinker? No, I tried, I wish I could, but no.

This and That

A LOT has happened this week. Monday started off awful with a horrid doctor appointment with Carlee. I had to fill out the standard forms of what she's doing and I had to check "not yet" on all of them. She scored 5 out of 300. There really needs to be another form for special needs children. That paperwork was really depressing. She ended up having a few issues. Her new medicine regime has to be tracked, there's that much. Matthew fell and hurt his arm which resulted in an ER trip. Then he got sick from whatever he caught at the ER. And Carlee needed an emergency eye exam. Lots of trips over the bridge this week.

However, we have really good news! All of her specialists are getting together and are going to go over all her issues and reports and cultures. I hope that someone can find a solution. There's lots of bandaids happening, and I want something fixed. All this medicine can't be that good for her, and none of it is working perfectly. So I'm looking forward to that meeting. Speaking of meetings, my March calendar is exploding. Already.

It was a rough week. My anxiety is somewhat under control. The new medicine is working well, I think, but it's not kicked in all the way, it's only been two weeks. From what I've read it can take 4-6 weeks to really work and 6-12 to take full effect. I'm hopeful. I'm still weepy a bit, but feeling much more like myself. Johnny brought me home a sweet card. I love him. And daffodils are blooming! I framed his card and how can you not smile when you see daffodils.

When Carlee was first diagnosed I went out and had retail therapy. I bought a wimpy little plant for the house. Just like Carlee, it's blooming so well! Every time I go upstairs I smile at my plant. The boys all hate that it's hanging by the stairs, they always hit their head, which I can't understand. But my plant is loving it's sunny spot. I love covering the house in plants. Everywhere in Forks has plants. Restaurants, stores, houses, even the hardware store. It's so green there. So I started buying plants after my first trip there two years ago. I love all my green.

I made a new potato soup recipe today. It is heavenly! I love love potato soup. This is creamy and delicious. And it's even pretty looking. Potato Soup on a chilly day. Makes me a happy girl.

Last but not least, my mom just sent this picture. Her duck has identity issues.

Wanna Win?

Screaming Owl Chevron Bag
Win it! So cute!

That Was Weird.

This is Brandy and I in High School. We are 16, it's Spring Break. We're at her new house in Charlotte.

Today I went into a high school. With high school students milling about. I had to check in with a security guard. I had a yellow visitors tag with my picture printed. I proceeded to walk to the main office. I was having an out of body experience. I haven't been around that many high schoolers since I was in high school. Since I was that girl in the picture. It was surreal. I felt small, like a freshman next to a senior on the first day of school. The girls all seemed so put together, their hair straighten or perfectly curled. Their makeup, flawless. Their outfits out the pictures in magazines. We DID NOT look like that in high school. To be honest, this picture above is a very very nice one. Mostly, I think I looked a mess. I don't remember taking much time before school to get ready. I certainly didn't look like I stepped out of Glamour magazine. Then there were the boys, all shaggy haired and rough housing. I had to jump to the side to avoid them. They seemed the same as when I was in school.

I accidentally walked into the counselors office instead of the main office. When I say office, I mean giant room with lots of little rooms. At least four counselors doors shut  "in session" the one open door hosted a young girl in tears "I'm not a whore, I've never done anything, yet they always call me a whore." I heard this as I walked past. My heart broke for her. For most of those girls actually. Their school starts at 7:40am, they are up, ready to go, and that glammed by 7:40am!

Somewhere in this ramble of a blog is meaning. I know it's there. Girls have way to much pressure put on them. They look like runway models while the teenage boys, look like teenage boys. There's girls crying for being called a whore. Somewhere, somehow, some time soon, we've got to reclaim our girls. The meanness starts so young, and the damage lasts too long. There's nothing wrong with wanting to look your best, but the odd thing was, they all looked the same. Same clothes, same straight hair, same eyeliner, similar clothing, similar purses, all huddled in similar looking groups.

The pressure these girls have on them, where is it coming from? From TV? From each other? Will they, in 13 years, visit a high school and think the same thing? Will they remember crying in an office after being called a whore? Will they remember breaking the heart of a girl by calling her a whore? Will they remember the early mornings to get themselves just so? Or will the hurt disappear and becoming meaningless? Will they only remember the good times and the ones that mattered? Will they be lucky enough to have that one best friend "since 10th grade"? What will the remember? What will stay with them? What will be forgotten and what will be ingrained?