Matthew 6:26

"Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?"

After recieving the diagnosis I left home. I went and shopped for a new plant. I just needed to distract myself for a minute. I didn't want to get home until after she was in bed. I just needed some time to myself to gather my thoughts. I also wanted some pizza pasta. Pizza Pasta is my chocolate. I took the long way to Walmart and parked in the back, where I don't normally park. When I got out of the van, I heard this loud noise. I couldn't seem to find it's source. Then I realized it was the birds in the trees.

A few years ago when we first started Sunday School, a friends father passed. He told the story of digging the grave, he and his brothers dig the graves for his family, he said he was sitting on a tomb stone and just wanting some sign that God was still with him. He said "God put the birds in the trees for me." I didn't even really know what that meant. Since then I've read the verse and I really love it.

So when I got out of the van and heard the birds chirping away, I remember his story and the verse.

I know God is in this, He's got this, and there is a reason. I have NO clue what it is or why Carleigh has to live this way, but there's a reason. That I know.

He will care for us and for her, we are more valuable than the birds. 

5 Seconds

There is a scene in the first season of LOST....Jack is telling Kate a story about being scared. In his story he's doing surgery and accidentally slices something and nerve endings came pouring out. He was scared stiff. He told himself that he had five seconds to be terrified. He counted to five, opened his eyes and fixed the problem. This 5 second rule comes into play a few times during LOST when things went all cuckoo on the island.

Well, I'm not running from 'The Others' or a Polar Bear or being swept around in time. However, I'm scared all the same. Terrified. Carleigh doesn't have Autism. She has brain damage cause by an issue with her birth. (for her privacy I cannot disclose the actual facts). Her brain injurt is irreparable. The damage is done. We have to work with what's left. Her new adjusted level in only 6-9 months. In terms of her adoption, we were told that she very well may need life long care. It's too early to tell.

So, I'm giving myself tonight. Tonight to mourn the life she won't have. Tonight to be scared out of my mind. Tonight to be terrified of the future.

Tomorrow. Tomorrow I will wake up and thank God for her. That she was brought into our home. That we're where she's supposed to be. Tomorrow, I start researching. Tomorrow, I make more calls. Tomorrow, for her, I fight!

From Now Until December 31st.

So it's not quite a bucket list, but I've been inspired. So what to do before 2012 falls into the past:

1) Celebrate M's adoption and dedication with all those who love and support us!
2) Attend a festival as a family. All 7 of us.
3) Suck it up and take a hike with my boys. (must find another baby backpack)
4) Knit my sweet baby girl a hat.
5) Try out some awesome Pintrest inspired Christmas photos.
6) Reach 1500 in my 1000 Gifts Journal.
7) Make the last Twilight movie a grand affair with my girls.
8) Prepare a Christmas or Thanksgiving dinner for Community Group.
9) Frame all my West Coast photos.
10) Book 2013's Forks trip.
11) Finish the books on my nightstand and replace them with new ones.
12) Get the boys rooms in order.
13) Donate new toys to Social Services, the visitation room is sad.
14) Complete 5 shoeboxes for Operation Christmas (one from each child)
15) Figure out the perfect birth father gift.
16) Write letters to birth familes.
17) Research West Coast life.
18) Find a class to take, in real life or online.
19) Get Closet Elementary in order and full speed ahead.
20) Make this years Advent really meaningful.
21) Christmas Cards.
22) Visit the Richmond Zoo and feed the giraffes.
23) Let each boy pick on place to visit before it's too cold.
24) Write personal thank you cards.
25) Girls night out.

Right Now....

This Moment:

Watching: Once Upon a Time and Season 3 of Glee

 Preparing: For two doctors appointments today.

Paying attention: Baby M signing more and more :)

Listening: Baby M 'chomp chomping.'

 Cooking: Chicken Parm and Baked Ziti.

Celebrating: Getting into an allergist for Carleigh!!!!

Waiting: Finalization to make M an Anderson

Planning for: Community group starting tonight.

Working: My never ending to-do list.

Loving: that all my pictures are in and hung!

Reading: The Meaning of Marriage

Anticipating: Having adoption papers in my hot little hands.

Good Stuff Going On Here!

My friend sent me this today and asked if this was how I was feeling. Why yes, that just about sums it up. For me, for our family. Things are FINALLY moving forward with sweet Baby M. We're thisclose to adoption. I didn't go to court today. My hubby wanted to go and have a chance to speak to bio dad and show his support to. He said it was a bit emotional. Everyone was commended bio dad on making a good choice for his son. We are over the moon. I want to hug bio dad, I know he loves his son and I know this choice was very hard for him. I'm very hopeful for an ongoing open adoption.

Then to totally change the subject. I just found out that we're going to Forks again next summer/fall. Johnny has to go to Seattle for work and I found that VERY unfair. But we figured out that I can fly out after him, spend three whole days in Forks and it will only cost 2 vacation days. And my mommy already agreed to watch the kiddos. (hopefully all 5 of them will be officially ours by then). I know there's a whole world to see, but ohhhh how I adore Washington!

And this happened:
I said to Carleigh's OT "I know we're not the perfect home for her, but..." and she stopped me dead in my sentence and said "Let me step out of my OT role and into a friend role, God DOES NOT MAKE MISTAKES, it's no coincidence that she's here, God knew she'd be here from the day she was born. It's easy to get caught up in all her diagnoses and what we have to fix. It's no surprise that to God that she's this way. We don't know why, but there's a reason. And I firmly believe God put her in this family to help her and heal her, for a reason, He makes no mistakes." 

So all in all a very lovely day. Soon, oh so soon, I'll be posting pictures of my baby boy for all to see!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Desensitized (SOA SPOILER)

I really like the show Sons of Anarchy. It's violent. I'm not usually a violent show watcher. I prefer the joys and trials of Parenthood or Greys Anatomy. Something about SoA hooked me. Last night I got to catch up on the premiere. Season 5. I almost didn't remember what happened in previous seasons. After I watched in SHOCK, Johnny asked me how it was. I said 4 people, no wait, 5 people were killed and one was beat up. I watched the show, hooked. After it was over, I calmly told my husband that I watched 5 people get killed. The kicker? One of dismembered, one shot in the head, one strangled by handcuffs, one shot while cleaning, and the worst, a girl burned alive while her father watched on in horror handcuffed to a pipe, unable to save her. This was considered payback. Then the dying wayward ex-cop got beat up. How, was I able to watch this as entertainment. Why wasn't I more upset. Yes, I know it wasn't real. Of course not, especially when I just read an interview with Tig on how he prepared for that scene. I've heard my generation was desensitized to violence, allowed to play to many video games and watch too much tv. Me? I didn't play video games and my tv time was monitored and limited. We watched TGIF and not MTV. I thought Dirty Dancing was a porn until I was 15. So why was I able to sit through this show? Thoughts?

Worship Through Her Eyes

It was an ordinary Sunday morning. I was waiting to see Sam graduate to the big kids Sunday School. The red lights over the entrance lit up. 28. That's Ladybug, I thought and took off down the hall. I've been at Newington for three years and have seen the number page go off twice. So I ran. She was overwhelmed. She was refluxing. She was frazzled. We haven't been to church in a few weeks and there were A LOT of people and kids. Some thought she was sick. She wasn't. She was overstimulated. Her solution was to stick her hands in her mouth and gag herself. My poor girl. I decided to take her to worship with me. I had my scarf from Women of Faith and she and I sat bundled in that blue scarf.

One of our worship leaders told a story. She was reading a book and the class was asked "When have you seen God's glory in action?" The answers all were "years ago..." Our beautiful leader said "that's unacceptable, we should see God's glory every day." The worship band started playing The Stand by Hillsong United. It's a longer song, but the chorus ALWAYS gets me. "So I'll stand with arms high and heart abandoned. In awe of the One who gave it all." The whole church singing, many standing with arms waving in the air, others with palms open and eyes closed, and some just singing.

I was sitting with Ladybug (we are a stand and sing church) and that little girl was rocking in beat to the piano and the voices. She leaned back from me and started singing! "babalalababalala" She leaned back in. I broke down in tears. Talk about seeing God's glory in the everyday. My nearly silent baby girl leaned back not one, not twice, but three times during that long song and repeat chorus and sang with us.

There are precious little girls who dance during worship. I have always loved watching them. Sometimes they bring tears to my eyes. "Dear Lord, please let me have a daughter to dance with them one day." For three years that has been my prayer while I watch them. Now I pray "Thank you Lord for my girl, please heal her. Let her dance up there someday." Today was the closest she's gotten. And if rocking in my arms and humming is all we ever see, then I will take it and be thankful. However, when that baby girl looked in my eyes and sung today, I knew deep in my heart, one day she will be dancing by the piano.