Losing.

Don't worry, it's not a sad post. It's the title of a song by Tenth Avenue North.

We are most likely adopting both of our little loves. It is with great joy that I am able to say that with confidence. There is no official date for either baby, but M's is getting close.

In the midst of our happiness, I remember where they came from. There is a reason they are in my home. They were harmed. They were neglected. They were deprived. They were left helpless and lonely. They lived in homes that should be in horror movies. These people gave birth to my children. I hate them for what they did. But, what good does that to me.

Do they spend nights thinking about me? Do they worry themselves sick over what's happened to their children, or do they brag about their new Vera Bradley diaper bags? They probably don't waste a minute thinking about me. So why do I waste any of my energy on them?

So enter this song. I heard it on KLove right in the middle of thinking about M's biological mother. These lyrics went straight into my heart. 

"Oh, Father won't You forgive them
They don't know what they've been doing (oh no)
Oh Father, give me grace to forgive them
Cause I feel like the one losing"

With everything going on in the world, every harm and hurt, what's happened to my babies isn't so big. But in my world, where they are the center, where I want to rip their parents shreds, it's a huge deal. It's a huge deal in my heart. It's a huge deal in my anxiety ridden head. So "Father give me grace to forgive them, cause I feel like the one losing." Forgiving doesn't mean forgetting. I keep forgetting that. It doesn't negate what they've done. It doesn't make it better.

My little loves are going to grow up. They are going to ask questions. They are going to want to know WHY. Why did they walk out? Why did you do that? How could you do that? There will be questions. I want to be able to answer them as carefully and honestly as possible. When they ask if I hate their parents, I want to say no. I want to mean it. I want to say that God gave me grace to forgive them. I want them to be able to forgive them. I don't want them to have anger in their hearts and souls and minds. I want them to recognize what their parents have done, to know it was awful, but to be able to forgive. It will be their choice of course, but won't it be easier if I've lead by example. If I've prayed and forgiven them. Never forgetting, but forgiving. I set myself free. To set their hearts free.

Hey! I like you!

We took our trip! My husband had to work until 1:30am. We left the house at 3:00am. We arrived in Seattle at 2pm Eastern time. We arrived in Forks at 6pm Eastern time. We were painfully tired. We slept. When we woke up, we hit the ground running.

We didn't stop. Makah day, hike to Cape Flattery, hike to Shi Shi beach, hike the Hoh Rainforest, hike to Ruby beach, hike to third beach, hike to Rialto beach, and did I mention we hiked!

Have you met me? I am an indoor girl. When Brandy and I went we hiked a little. We spent time shopping, gazing, geeking out. I knew it would be a different trip with my outdoorsy husband. So we hiked. There are no easy beaches, you must hike to them and from them. The beaches are beyond worth it though.

Somewhere in the midst of our 4 childless days, I discovered something. I really really like my husband. Sure, I knew I loved him beyond words, but I really like him. We had time to talk, really talk. Time to listen. Time to get to know each other again. Who we are outside of work, kids, housekeeping, cooking, etc. We really like each other. He made me laugh until my cheeks and stomach hurt. My made my heart feel swollen with his love for me.

We haven't had major ups and downs in our relationship. We've grown up together. (Getting married at 19 and 20 will make you do that). So after 11 years of marriage, not only would I do it again in a heartbeat, but I'd tell my 20 year old self how much better it was going to get.

To My Mama!

My admirable, amazing, astonishing, astounding, awe-inspiring, awesome, brilliant, cool, divine, dynamite, enjoyable, excellent, fabulous, fantastic, fine, groovy, incredible, magnificent, marvelous, miraculous, outstanding, peachy, phenomenal, pleasant, pleasing,  remarkable, sensational, something else, staggering, startling, strange, stupendous, super, superb, surprising, swell, terrific, tremendous, and wondrous mommy is coming to take care of my kids this week so we can go on vacation!

So just a few notes:

I cleaned the microwave, so no tsking. It's stained orange, I don't know why. I tried everything on pintrest, but I swear it's clean.

The fridge on the other hand, tsk away. If you get bored, go ahead and scrape whatever that is off the shelf. I forget until I open the door and then shut it fast and forget again.

You have to hold the washing machine door shut for about a minute until the water will run, the lock is broken. Talk to Johnny about that. Not that you have to do laundry, but if you get bored.

If the boys start fighting, hide the laptop, it will stop fast.

The garage stinks, I'll leave out incense.

Don't look under the sofa. Unless you're bored.

Use the bottom on the left of the fan to make it slow down.

The boys can watch tv in my room if they are bored, but no toys.

Sam hates underwear, double check before you leave the house.

They can have rootbeer and Sprite only. Don't let them fool you.

Jackson eat soup for lunch, he loves it. They love Ramen noodles.

Yes, Jackson love a large Chili from Wendy's I promise. He'll make a joke about it being hot and being called Chili. Laugh, it's his only true joke.

Blankets are in the cedar chest. They smell like cedar, sorry.

The floor breeds dirt. If you can fix that, it'd be swell.

Please water my plants, I've managed to keep them alive. Except the dead basil near the sink, I need to trash those.

They can stay up late, but they will be a pill if they don't sleep in. Plan accordingly.

THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU. I'll bring you a cool present.  

Info Overload

We're heading in the direction that Ladybug either has Autism or is on the Spectrum. It's taking an unethical amount of time to get her into a Developmental Pediatrician. In the mean time we've had her hearing testing, ear tubes put it, Nuero consults which resulted in an MRI and an EEG, we have a gastro consult which will result in a GI scope, Early Intervention Therapy 8 times a month, and many many check ups. No one can give me an answer until we can put together all the pieces with the Developmental Doctor. The minimum wait I've gotten in 4-5 months with the longest being 9-10 months. Just to get a consult!

I am trying to gather my information. Holy crow, there is a lot of information. I'm leaning towards the Gluten/Casein/Soy free diet. It looks so daunting. Also, I'm looking into DAN! doctors. There's a few in the area, well area(ish).

I don't/can't reveal to much of her past, but she has issues. The least of which is she's been in care since she was born. She was born at only 28 weeks. She didn't have any testing she needed long ago. There's a lot we have to figure out.

Are her issues the result of environment, lack of early intervention, genetic, result of being born so early, or something medical, like Autism.

So I'm filling folders with links and information, immersing myself in the world of Autistic Parents. I may not have to stay here depending on what the doctors finally get around to saying, but I want all the information I can get to help my girl.

Well crud and cookies.

The old owners of our house came by today. They built this house, all their little people lived here. It was her grandfathers land. So every time they are in the area, they stop by. Whatever, it's cool. I allow it, because I know my mom and aunts have done the same thing whenever they went to their own house.

Point? There is a lot in front of the house that was for sale when we bought it. We couldn't afford it at the time. Now they don't want to sell it. They want to put a vacation house there. Basically in my front yard. They stuck no trespassing signs in the lot, even though I told them no one ever goes in there, not even us. They said in 4 or 5 years.

So crud and cookies, we're going to have to move in four or five years. We moved here for the peace. Within a year the lot behind us was developed. Now they are really nice people, but we moved in with trees and woods to explore and now there's a house. Now the trees in the front yard is going to have a house. Crud and cookies.

Hubby has a moving bug, like a not buying a new house here, but let's start over somewhere new bug. My bug comes and goes. I love it here. I love my friends, my church, the people who have become my family. I do not want to move. Anywhere, not even locally. I have a feeling if we HAVE to move, it won't be locally. Like not even the same time zone locally.

We'll see where the next five years takes us.

A year ago.

Very nearly a year ago, I had to sit in that little visitation room with my baby boy. Social Worker knocked on the door and said "they're here, are you ready?" I nodded, not able to talk. I hugged my boy tight and whispered that I was sorry. They walked in, cried, loved on him. I held it together. I answered their questions. I left that room and darted for the bathroom. Into a paper towel, I sobbed and sobbed and sobbed. Then I remembered that I didn't ask whether they were going to drive him home or if I needed to pick him up. I was not going to walk back into that room. So I stood in the hallway with a tear streaked cheeks. Finally Supervisor walked out and asked if I was okay. I sobbed, "NO". Got my question answered. I made it to the car and got the car only to the back of the parking lot and had to stop. Sobbed. My boy was only gone for an hour, but I knew it was the beginning of the end. Over the next few months I got to know his family and we started overnight visits and then we split the weeks. Finally it was time to say goodbye. I held it together and handed my boy over. Sitting here sobbing a year ago, I never thought I could have this joy! I never had a glimmer of how overjoyed we'd be. This is a happy place!

Middle Name Conundrum

Darling Hubby is not a fan of the hyphenated middle name. Here's my theory. I have three sons. NONE of them are named Ryan, no one liked. Later, they said "Oh, it's not bad, you should have fought for it". So three sons, 6 names, none of them Ryan. So I think Baby M should have whatever middle name I choose. None of them are weird or crazy. And I wouldn't yell out all of them, just the first one. This is probably my last chance to name a baby after my dad. My mom has Lee and my brother has Tyler. My dad has Danielle with the granddaughter, but not with any grandson. I love Daniel, God is my judge. I also want to name him after his birth father, which is the middle name we've been using, I want it to stay around, also I love my husband's name, John, which is also M's brother's name. So I'm thinking....

M------John Daniel Lawrence Anderson.  Yeah, I know it's a lot. But how often do you need your middle name. It would be M------John for the most part and if hyphenated his middle initial would just be J.

So am I crazy. I'm thinking the same thing for Ladybug as well. I'm not overly fond of her name, but it's cute and it'll work. I do not like her middle name at all. I asked her aunt and it has no significance. Both of her maternal grandparents are gone, so I wanted to make sure it wasn't for them. It's not. I have some ideas, but they will be a surprise, so I'm not asking if I'm crazy.