I want to scream. Seriously. There is all this amazing, miraculous, long awaited great news happening. Like over the moon. We've been waiting for 2 years for this, 3.5 years since the start of our foster care journey. Today we signed the last sheets of paper before the judge signs off and makes M ours forever. Really good stuff.
And yet. Anxiety seems to be trying it's best to rob me of my happiness. About two weeks ago my doctor and I decided to switch from Paxil to Zoloft. I was sick of the weight gain with Paxil. Nothing I did was helping the weight come off. So we started this regime of lowering Paxil, and then adding in Zoloft. I've read just horror stories of coming off Paxil. I told my doctor (she's my friend also) that I was doing wonderfully. That night, I had the worst anxiety attack that I've had in nearly six months. The next day it was not as bad, but still yucky. So we decided to add in more Zoloft and less Paxil. I was doing okay. Not great, but okay.
During this week, we had some bad news. Our sweet girl was diagnosed with a rare seizure disorder and all that crud that comes with that news. Yucky news. So now I'm changing medicines which has enough side effects. Then I got this icky news from the doctors.
Then we went to court. I hate hate hate court. I mean, like seriously. Not much good has come from me going to court. In the two hearings I had to take five kids to sitters all of the town. Both of these cases have been continued. OH! All that nervousness for nothing, getting up insanely early, driving kids to sitters, all for nothing. I have a limited pool of sitters, so I hated "wasting" them for no good reason. So we had court, so once again, up too early, kids to my amazing friends who never give up on court, and the pure nervousness walking into the courtroom. This time court happened. I "met" Carlee's parents for the first time in ten months. They didn't look at me, the were very emotionless. It went well for us, but was so sad.
All this is going on. Then on the same day as court we got news that M's paperwork was done. In fact, today we just signed the last bit of paperwork to make his adoption official. We just have to wait for a judge to sign the final order.
Emotion OVERLOAD. There's been crappy cruddy news, overly joyous news, and changing medicines. Anyone want to guess what my brain is doing. Having a bratty two year old fit, that's what. I've more anxiety attacks since I first starting having them. I'm fairly good at controlling my breathing (thanks to tips from friends) and I can mostly control the 'negative self talk' that comes with anxiety. However, the physical crapola isn't so easy to get around. Hot flashes that literally raise my body temperature and make me sweat, when those stop I'm so cold that I need piles of blankets. Then there's the nausea and vomiting. Sometimes it's 20 minutes, sometimes it's hours. Mostly at night, thankfully. I've not had many attacks outside of the house, I've been very lucky in that aspect. However, it does make me not want to leave the house for a lot of things. But only during attacks and the for a bit after that. Right now, it's been nearly two weeks of gunk. Plain and simple: this sucks.
I realize there are so many logical reasons this is happening right now. I really do 'get it' I have a lot of emotions all at once, I'm switching medicines which is actually changing the chemicals in my body. I just don't care anymore. I want it to stop. I want to stop crying like a leaky hose, I want to stop having hot flashes like a woman in menopause, I want to stop throwing up like I have the flu. Most of all I want to be able to look back at this amazing time and remember the happiness and not the anxiety and all the other crud. And I wouldn't mind a good nights sleep!
Well that's that. If you've stuck around, I appreciate it. If you have any advice, I'd take that too. I do have some beautiful friends who give me great encouragement. If you've dealt or are dealing with, please share what works for you.
Thanks for listening to my crazy. It helps to get it all out of my head, and I didn't feel like getting off the couch to find my journal to write in.
4 comments:
I miss you and I love you!
You want me to come visit??? I could do that.. Maybe my next Friday off..
I don't know what it is like and I don't know how to make it better. But what I can say is that I know a lot of friends and family who have to deal with this issue. It's never easy, even knowing that you aren't the only one. I want you to know how proud I am of you that you have worked so hard to take care of yourself so you can be your best self. Your family loves you.
I am very happy for you about your good news, and so sad with you at your crummy news. I am there with you at the changing meds thing...I have migraines and Paxil was one thing they tried. I never got to high enough a dose to really experience what you are going through because it made me pass out! But one of the first meds a doctor tried had some nasty side effects trying to lower the dose and it is horrible and scary. I am so sorry for the timing, but imagining how wonderful it will be when things settle down, and thinking how good God was to give you a good thing to hold on to in the midst of all the crummy stuff. He's done that with me before, too, and if I can try to focus on the one good thing and see how He provided that lifeline in the stormy sea, sometimes I feel better. I hope tomorrow is a better day for you all.
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