My life vest.

I'm loving this song lately. "And the water is rising quick and for years I was scared of it, we can't be sure when it will subside, so I won't leave your side, no I can't leave your side." "Hey now, this is my desire, consume me like a fire, cause I just want something beautiful to touch me. I know that I'm in reach cause I am down on my knees waiting for, something beautiful."

I have to feel that something beautiful has to come from this sadness. It's hard for some people understand. I have to say goodbye to my child. I can't separate my children from foster children. My heart doesn't work that way. They are all my kids, and I will claim all of them forever as children of my heart. So when I hear "but you knew this could happen" or "this happens all the time" I can't understand them. They are my babies same as the ones that were born to me. So no one can fix this, I can't just cheer up about it, when I think about it, it is sad. There is no other way around it. No, I'm not on the edge of sanity, no I'm not curled up in the fetal position. I'm on no more Paxil than I was before. It's just sad and there is no other way around that.

So for something beautiful. I know that we healed this little boy. God pulled him out of the pits of hell and saved him. He was spared horrors unknown. I was given the amazing responsibility to love and care for him. He is perfectly perfect. He can bond, he can love, he can learn, he grows, he cries, he laughs, and he drools. He's a baby, he's happy. We did that. So when he leaves my love, he'll be able to carry on and bond again. Sure he'll be confused for awhile, but he's a baby and he'll be loved and be able to love and trust and bond. There's not much more I could give to him. He'll be the start of a new family, new traditions, new jokes, new tickles, new people. Something Beautiful!