My heart is singing.

Singing heart? Maybe. I can't even find words. Our sweet baby M is home with us. God and his funny funny sense of humor. We would have never accepted a placement while M was here. So we wouldn't have gotten our Ladybug if M was staying. So he left and we got Ladybug and now he's home. So we have both of our little loves. Two small blonde toddlers/crawlers. My mama heart is singing!

Behind the Smile

We are reading a series of books in Sunday School. The newest one is called "An Uphill Faith" and it's so good. It's basically based on the Easter Story. Christ's journey in his last few days, ending with a torturous uphill walk. This past week we were discussing when Jesus went into the garden to pray and took His three closest disciples and friends with him. He wanted his 'people' with Him to pray. He was human, he was scared of what He knew was coming. He wanted to be surrounded by His friends. He was overwhelmed and admits it. "My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death." (Mark 14:34) His words.

The books says this " That's vulnerability. The strongest person who ever walked this planet, the second person in the Trinity, is overwhelmed and admits it. Remember, this is a man speaking to other men. He expresses his sorrow and feelings of weakness. It is staggering. When we offer courageous self-disclosure to an inner circle of friends they can care for us in deeper way. Humble vulnerability allows others to pray for us with a level of passion and intelligent insight that will never come otherwise; it allows them to love us better. When this happens we can receive a much-needed power transfusion that will carry us through our uphill journey."(New Community Series)

One of the questions asks, basically, if Jesus, the sinless Son of God needed a support system, what does that say about us?

It was a question that struck me. I am a screwed up, anxiety ridden, crazy, mess of a human being. There's not point in denying it. It's a disservice to myself and to my people. As such a human, I need my people. I need to share and be open and vulnerable. There's no reason to appear to have it all together all the time. Sure some days I do feel like "I've got this" and other days, well other days, not so much.

Sometimes by appearing to have it all together, I get the "oh you're an angel/saint for all that you do, I could never do it." Oh, friend, it's not the case. I didn't post the pictures of my curled on the couch in the midst on an anxiety attack, trying to survive and not let the kids realize it. You didn't see my husband rubbing my back as this attack led me to throw up. You didn't see my freak out and snap at my family because they ate the last of my granola cereal. You didn't see the days when we do no school work. You didn't see the Sunday morning madness to get my family out the door. There's so much the world of blogging and facebook don't show. I wouldn't want to bring anyone down by portraying a "superwoman" picture. Superwoman does not exist.

There's not point in hiding behind a smile, if a smile isn't to be had at that moment. Which brings me to the picture above. This was from November 2010. My anxiety attacks just started. I didn't know what was going on (another long story involving a really bad doctor) Brandy had come to visit and given me this Snuggie as a Christmas present. I loved it. Hence the big smile on my face. This picture doesn't show the hot flash I had a few minutes later and the attack that came on suddenly.

So if Jesus, Himself, needed to be open and share His sorrow with his friends, we as a fallen mess of creation, it seems would need it even more. Find your people, find your person. No, a true friend won't feel drowned in your sorrow. They will help lift you up and out and help you up the hill. When you are nearing the top and can turn around and see that you made it, you're nearly there, hug your people, your person. Those who helped you walk, or even dragged you to the top. That's not to say there's not another hill in the distance, it might be their hill next. But with your people, your inner circle, and with God, there is no hill to big to climb.

So, can I just say ANXIETY SUCKS

It sucks, like really bad. I'm a lucky one. I've never had an attack out and about. They come on late afternoon or evening. I hate them. Well, duh, no normal person would like it. I don't really have social anxiety for which I am thankful. I have the, damn where did that came from, anxiety attacks. Last night, not thinking anything bad or worrisome. I opened Ladybugs dresser drawer and saw an old sleeper of M's. The heat started in my neck. I knew it was coming. I started doing the breathing. I popped a Xanax. I felt the nausea. I popped a Phengren. I popped to late. I spend a decent part of the evening curled in bed having hot and cold flashes. I threw up. I finally fell asleep. I wasted a perfectly good evening with my husband. He tries so hard. He understands. But, there's not much he can do. My medicine works 90% of the time. I can go three months without an attack. I feel guilty. WHY? I have a perfectly happy life. Healthy children.

Yes, I homeschool and foster. I've been doing HS for 5 years and Fostering for three years. All this just started 18 months ago. I've seen a therapist, I've not be consistent at all. I feel silly sitting in a chair talking about my life. I feel totally fine when I'm there. I have not family history that's "therapist" talk. No divorce parents, no lack of love, no trauma, no abuse, amazing kids and husband. I serve a wonderful God. I have great supportive friends. I feel like such a wuss sometimes. Like 'get it together woman." People have it a lot worse than you sometimes. After an attack I'm on edge for a few days, dreading another one. Then I'll realize it's been three weeks, two months, and then BAM another will start. Apparently with no cause. So can I just say ANXIETY SUCKS! If you suffer, please add your info to the comment section if you keep a blog about it.

Suicase of Love UPDATE

To date every child in G....and M....counties have a suitcase. FORTY-NINE bags have been donated. I still have so many I'll be moving into counties over the bridge. I cannot believe how God put this idea on so many hearts and the bags just poured in. Sadly, it's not the end as every week more children enter the system, but WOW what a start.

Ladybug!

Oh sugar and spice and everything nice. My little girl is keeping me busy. I haven't had a toddler in about five years. So I've been running and hopping the last two weeks. She tastes her world. We've had dozens of appointments. I've lost five pounds without trying. I'm loving the world of dresses and bows.

Ice cream with daddy.

Church dress.

Ladybug and Ellie playing at the park.

Made it up the ramp without eating mulch.

Best Invention Ever.

So Ladybug is a sippy thrower. I've never had a sippy thrower. From the carseat, the stroller, the high chair, the crib, even just her hands, BAM, the sippy lands. Sometimes the lid pops off and there's a mess. Other times it's just loud and annoying. I found a sippy cup tether, I never knew something existed for this problem. This isn't the exact one I bought, but it's the similar. It's so awesome. By her third attempt to toss the cup from the high chair, she was gently placing it on the tray. Instead of tossing it in the van, she drank it. This is a big deal because she can suffer from dehydration easily. So for her to actually hold the cup and drink was great! I am so thankful to the inventor!

It's not goodbye, it's see you later.

 We said goodbye. M and Wormy moved to their forever home. I was doing well. I was forcing the lump in my throat to stay there. Then his mama gave me a gift. A mother necklace. The lump escape my throat and came out in a choking thank you. I hugged her. I thanked her for being his mommy. She didn't have to be. She's an amazing young woman.

I will miss my froggy, being 'mine'. In my heart he will always be my son. He is something very special. God has great plans for him. He was saved from horrors untold and I know he'll rise to great things.

The gift from M's family.

My family charms. One for each love bug.